IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that the increase in the number of obese people should be the responsibility of governments, while others think it should be the responsibility of individuals. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

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This
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 essay will discuss whose
responsibility
Use synonyms
 is the growth of obese
people
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. There are two mainstream ideas that will be discussed. Some might say it is the
responsibility
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 of the
government
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while
Linking Words
 others believe the
responsibility
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 should fall on an individual. In the following
paragraphs
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paragraphs,
show examples
 I will discuss arguments, present examples and
will
Verb problem
apply
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give my opinion.
First
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The first
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 opinion is that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
governments should take accountability for the increase in obese
people
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.
This
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 idea stems from the fact that the
obesity
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 crisis is caused by
bad
Correct article usage
the bad
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 habits of a community as a whole and can be controlled by taking systematic action. It is the
government
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's
responsibility
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 because obese
people
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 have higher risks
in
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of
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 heart and other medical conditions, which over time will cost the
government
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 more than
implicating
Verb problem
implementing
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 the precautionary measures now.
For example
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, the
government
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 could regulate school policies, provide active spaces and healthcare specialists for the obese and promote healthy lifestyles in order to decrease
obesity
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. Others believe that it is up to the individual to control the
obesity
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 rise.
Obesity
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 is an individual problem as it is each person that has to change their habits and lifestyle. Eating healthy and being more active is an individual choice that a person has to make in order to lose
weight
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. It all comes down to
will power
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willpower
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 and internal motivation.
For example
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, scientific studies suggest that the
weight
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 that was lost by the motivation of an individual resulted in more sustainable results, compared to
people
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 who lost their
weight
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 by outside pressure as they were more likely to regain their
weight
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 after some time. In conclusion, there are two ideas of who should take accountability for the rise in
obesity
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, one side believes it is the
government
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 who should take the
responsibility
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 and the other states that it is an individual decision. The
people
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 who believe that the
government
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 is responsible support their idea by stating that it is a systematic problem and providing resources will save money for the
government
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 in the long run, and the supporters of individualism state that only the choice of
individual
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an individual
the individual
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 can result in a healthy and sustainable result. In my
opinion
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opinion,
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 the
government
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 should take
actions
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action
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 to
insure
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ensure
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 that
obesity
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 is
in
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under
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 control, as individuals can change it is not possible to control the
obesity
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 crisis on an individual level.

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What works well

2
coherence and cohesion

You clearly present both sides of the argument and provide a structured approach to discussing the issue, which enhances the clarity of your essay.

task achievement

You successfully incorporate your own opinion into the conclusion, which adds depth to your argument and shows critical thinking.

Improvement Suggestions

3
task achievement

Consider elaborating on the examples you provide to make them more comprehensive. For instance, you could provide specific policies that governments have implemented in other countries that have been effective in tackling obesity.

coherence and cohesion

Work on making the introduction more engaging. You could provide a broader context about the obesity epidemic before presenting the two viewpoints, which would help in providing a clearer context for the reader.

coherence and cohesion

In your conclusion, reiterate your opinion more strongly and summarize the main arguments made in the body paragraphs to emphasize your position clearly.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • responsibility
  • government intervention
  • public health
  • individual choices
  • lifestyle habits
  • health education
  • food environment
  • socioeconomic factors
  • nutrition awareness
  • unhealthy eating
  • caloric intake
  • dietary guidelines
  • personal accountability
  • cultural influences
  • advertising impact
  • community resources
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