IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Today more and more tourists are visiting places where the conditions are difficult, such as the Sahara deserts or the Antarctic. What are the benefits and disadvantages for tourists who visit such places? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Nowadays,
places
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 with harsh conditions are becoming popular. More tourists prefer going to deserts
such
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 as the Sahara or very cold
places
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 like the Arctic.
Although
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 visiting extreme
places
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 brings a personal experience, negative sides like sick can'
t
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 be neglected. Difficult condition
places
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 always give different experiences for
people
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 who visit that place.
Firstly
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,
people
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 will get an impression from others about their history of visiting that place. Many
people
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 often use
this
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 moment to increase their value and might get positive views from others.
Furthermore
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, visiting dangerous
places
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 will benefit their career because several companies are interested in hiring
people
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 with different backgrounds and experiences. A company focusing on sustainability will see
people
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 with
this
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 experience because they have several factors that will suit the company's needs.
Moreover
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,
people
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 are becoming happier than before because they have stories that will be useful for their
grandchild
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grandchildren
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 in the future.
However
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, visiting
places
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 with dangerous things will impact negatively
for
Change preposition
apply
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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people
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. At
first,
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if they don'
t
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 adapt to the condition, the risk of sickness will be higher.
People
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 who plan to visit Antarctica should ensure their bodies are qualified for their needs. If they don'
t
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 acclimate themselves in the mountain, they will get hypothermia sickness. Even though they had increasing fitness levels, the risk still happened.
In addition
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, visiting these
places
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 needs huge money. If
people
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 don'
t
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 prepare for the fee, their trips will fail because they can'
t
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 provide for their needs. One example is a man from Papua trying to climb
jayawijaya
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Jayawijaya
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 mountain. Without any preparation, he couldn'
t
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 reach the top because they didn'
t
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 have money at that moment.
As a result
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,
this
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 man went back to the bottom of the mountain In summary, dangerous
places
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 have negative sides,
such
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 as sickness.
However
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, with enough preparation,
this
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 kind of holiday will
making
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make
be making
show examples
people
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 proud enough for themselves.

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task achievement
Try to provide a clearer introduction that presents the main points of your essay more explicitly. This can help set the direction for your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and that your ideas are logically connected. This will enhance the flow of your writing.
task achievement
Avoid informal expressions, such as 'sick' when referring to illness. Using more formal language can enhance the academic tone of your essay.
task achievement
You demonstrated a good understanding of the topic and provided multiple points for both the advantages and disadvantages.
task achievement
Your examples, particularly the one about the man from Papua, were relevant and illustrated your points well, which adds depth to your argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • extremophile
  • vulnerability
  • ecosystem preservation
  • sustainable tourism
  • cultural immersion
  • adventure tourism
  • physical endurance
  • ecological impact
  • remote destinations
  • environmental conservation
  • personal growth
  • indigenous populations
  • adventure seekers
  • tourism infrastructure
  • economic development
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