IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that corporations and their policies are partly responsible for social unrest and violence, while others argue that individuals are solely accountable for their actions. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
There is a debate,
Change preposition
about wether
show examples
wether
Correct your spelling
whether
show examples
 corporations are responsible at some point for crime accidents in society or the
people
Use synonyms
 are
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
response
Replace the word
responsible
show examples
 for their deeds by themselves. I’m of
opinion
Correct article usage
the opinion
show examples
 that every person is solely accountable for their actions,
however
Linking Words
 special communities that deal with social security
also
Linking Words
 should control movements that seem violent. It is obvious that every person in
present
Correct article usage
the present
show examples
 time has a right
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 choice in actions,
therefore
Linking Words
 specific rules to follow in public places were created. So I agree with the fact that in case of not obeying the law, the first responsible face for
released
Wrong verb form
releasing
show examples
 improper movements is a person by himself.
For instance
Linking Words
, in
Almaty
Add a comma
Almaty,
show examples
 it is considered that
people
Use synonyms
 should monitor the laws by themselves from news or other resources, so if the crime happens the author of it will be judged as a main criminal. On the other side, I partly share the opinion with others that corporations of social safety
also
Linking Words
 need to work with
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
illegal movements
such
Linking Words
 as violence,
stealings
Correct your spelling
stealing
show examples
 and
oppressions
Fix the agreement mistake
oppression
show examples
. Despite the fact that
such
Linking Words
 companies are not able to fully control the
unrests
Fix the agreement mistake
unrest
show examples
 everywhere, they could restrict
people
Use synonyms
 with strict conditions and punishments.
For example
Linking Words
, police stands with rules desks could be placed in public places, so the
people
Use synonyms
 would read the context and be informed that they are the only ones responsible for their actions. In conclusion, I think that individuals are the first responsible organ for
made
Verb problem
apply
show examples
unrests
Fix the agreement mistake
unrest
show examples
 for the reason that
people
Use synonyms
 are usually informed with rules, and only
then
Linking Words
 community services
might
Verb problem
apply
show examples
be
also
Linking Words
 guilty
at
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the point of properly presenting that information.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Make sure to clearly outline your main points in the introduction, which will improve the clarity of your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to guide the reader and enhance coherence.
coherence and cohesion
Be careful with grammatical accuracy and word choice, as these can affect the clarity of your ideas. For example, revise phrases like 'first responsible face' to something more natural like 'first accountable person'.
task achievement
You present both sides of the argument, showing a balanced approach to the discussion, which is commendable.
task achievement
You provide examples to support your viewpoints, which strengthens your arguments.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: