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Band 4.5

In some countries in Europe, some children from the age of 11 or 13 go to schools to learn more practical skills that will help them get a job. Other children stay in schools that provide a more general academic education. What should schools do to prepare students for the world of work?

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It is believed that
school
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 prepare kids
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
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adult
life
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 and the world of work. But
it
Correct your spelling
is
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 it actually correct?
School
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 cannot provide all the necessary knowledge and make
chilldren
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children
 completely ready
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
work
life
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, but it surely can give them a great start and help young
students
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 to find their way in
life
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 and work. To my mind, the first thing
school
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 must
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
do is to remove
bunch
Add an article
a bunch
show examples
 of unnecessary
subjects
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 from the studying program. Modern kids have too much on their shoulders
besides
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school
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.
Huge
Correct article usage
A huge
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 amount of different activities, additional courses, tutors and other
makes
Change the verb form
make
show examples
student's
Correct article usage
a student's
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life
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 complicated enough. To make their
life
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 easier, it would be
good
Change the article
a good
show examples
 idea to decrease the number of
subjects
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 and study only
necessary
Correct article usage
the necessary
show examples
 ones, that will help
students
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 to go to college or university.
This
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 will
also
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 help
students
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 to find their favourite subject that may be helpful in
a
Correct article usage
the
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 near future. Only necessary
subjects
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 will save more
time
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 and energy
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 will affect
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the well-being of
students
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.
Besides
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this
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, schools must create classes that are focused on a specific subject, so the
students
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 will be able to gain as
mush
Correct your spelling
much
show examples
 knowledge as possible before graduating and moving closer to their dream job.
On the other hand
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, general academic
education
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 is important as well. General
education
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 may benefit in different ways,
for
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example
Add a comma
example,
show examples
 it can develop critical thinking, improve memory, provide better communication skills etc. But with general academic
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education
Add a comma
education,
show examples
 the issue remains. In my personal
opinon
Correct your spelling
opinion
, general
education
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 should
exists
Change the verb form
exist
show examples
 as a side or optional course only. In
this
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 way, kids that are interested in different
subjects
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(
besides
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 the
necessery
Correct your spelling
necessary
 ones) will be able to attend different courses as well and spend their
time
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 as they will.
Furthermore
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,
students
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that
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 are not
interersted
Correct your spelling
interested
 or
lacking
Wrong verb form
lack
show examples
 in
time
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 can focus on the
necessery
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necessary
subjects
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 only and improve their grades. In conclusion, I think that both practical skills and general academic
education
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 can
co-esxist
Correct your spelling
co-exist
co-sexist
, but they both can't be focused
equaly
Correct your spelling
equally
 at the same
time
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.
Students
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 should be able to choose by themselves what they need more and
as a result
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, they will be able to make up their minds regarding
further
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job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
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 and
career
Fix the agreement mistake
careers
show examples
 and gain part of the required skills.

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task achievement
Make sure to frame your arguments clearly, and ensure that each paragraph has a clear focus. Try to introduce more specific examples or evidence to support your points.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer linking words and phrases to guide the reader through your arguments. This will help improve the overall flow of your essay.
coherence and cohesion
Pay attention to the introduction and conclusion to ensure they adequately summarize your opinions and provide a clear end to your argument.
task achievement
You raised some relevant points regarding the balance between practical skills and general education. The consideration of students' interests is important and well articulated.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • vocational training programs
  • curriculum
  • critical thinking
  • problem-solving
  • communication skills
  • career guidance
  • counseling
  • internships
  • apprenticeships
  • local industries
  • businesses
  • digital literacy
  • technological skills
  • entrepreneurship
  • innovation
  • financial literacy
  • budgeting
  • teamwork
  • collaboration
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