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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Climate change has negative effects on businesses, but it may also create more business options. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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Over the past few decades,
climate
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change
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 has significantly threatened people’s lives and even
business
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 activities.
This
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 trend affects workers' health negatively and forces
companies
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 to incur higher
energy
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 costs.
However
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, a range of new businesses to protect the natural
environment
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 has been developed,
such
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 as renewable
energy
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 and electric vehicles , which I believe can create a positive cycle in order to mitigate
climate
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change
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.
To begin
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 with,
it is clear that
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climate
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change
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 causes the working
environment
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 to deteriorate.
For instance
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, when employees commute to the office in summer, devastating heatwaves would cause them to suffer from heatstroke.
For
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this
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 reason, extremely high temperature reduces employees' productivity, resulting in a decline in the company's
overall
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 performance.
Moreover
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,
business
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 owners should take responsibility for maintaining a comfortable working
environment
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 for not only workers but
also
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product
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for product
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 quality, which leads to higher
energy
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 expenditure. Describing recent trends, the development of AI has led to an increase in data centres that require large amounts of electricity for cooling.
This
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 inevitably increases operating costs in order to continue
business
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 operations
,
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apply
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 and even leads to greater environmental destruction.
In contrast
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, despite the points outlined above, it should
also
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 be recognised that
climate
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change
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 has the potential to create various
business
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 opportunities.
For example
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, not only have electric vehicles that do not emit greenhouse gases become mainstream in the car industry, but
also
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 many new renewable
energy
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 ventures have emerged over the past few years.
This
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 trend encourages the market to expand, resulting in economic growth.
In addition
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, protecting the
environment
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 has become increasingly important to investors. Major investment
companies
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 tend to focus on
companies
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 with strong ESG performance in recent years, which contributes to
companies
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 paying more attention to sustainable
business
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 practices.
This
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 helps whole
business
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 players initiate activities related to preventing
climate
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change
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while
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 promoting economic growth. In summary,
business
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 people cannot avoid experiencing negative impacts from
climate
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change
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 , including the effect on employees' health and increasing costs,
while
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 a wide range of new businesses for protecting the
environment
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 allows the economy to grow. I strongly believe that
this
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 growth can encourage
further
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 environmental initiatives.

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task response
Give a more direct view of the two sides. Say if the new chances are greater than the harm, or if this is true only when firms act fast.
task response
Add one more clear link between each example and the main point. For example, say how heat can mean less work, more sick days, and less money for a firm.
task response
The AI data-centre point is useful, but it is not fully tied to climate change. Explain that hotter days mean more cooling is needed, so power costs go up.
coherence and cohesion
Keep each paragraph on one main point. In the first body part, health, office heat, AI, and harm to the earth make the paragraph feel a little too full.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear words for groups. “Whole business players” is not clear. Say “all firms” or “many firms” instead.
coherence and cohesion
Make the last line more exact. State your view again and show why it follows from the two body parts.
task response
You cover both sides: harm to firms and new work from green change. Your own view is clear in the first and last parts.
task response
Your main ideas are on topic. Heat, higher power bills, clean power, electric cars, and ESG all fit the question.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear four-part shape: start, one side, the other side, and end.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as “For instance”, “Moreover”, “In contrast”, and “In addition” help the reader follow your ideas.
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