Many manufactured food and drink products contain high level of sugar, which causes many health problems. Surgary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

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In modern days, there has been a higher and higher convenience
food
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, which holds a great amount of sugar. What has been disclosed in recent surveys has highlighted surgery
foods
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cause lots of illnesses. I believe
nonetheless
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increasing the price, many methods can be adopted to confront
this
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issue. In countries rich and poor alike, the number of whom eat manufactured
food
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has been dramatically raised as individuals today are working more than past and they don't want to invest time in cooking
although
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those
foods
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are much more affordable. In the first place, I think governments should play a fundamental role by forcing companies,which produce those
foods
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, to pay more tax. The efforts in turn encourage the households to start eating healthy
foods
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.
This
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money can be invested in the education sector to inform people how can convenience
food
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be harmful and how chronic diseases,
such
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as diabetes and heart rate, have remarkably increased.
Besides
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, people can't afford it and start to eat some healthy
foods
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. Those argue that manufactured
food
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is in need
overall
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for the average person. They contend another appropriate remedy is changing the ingredients of those diets
in
Change preposition
apply
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that way
contains
Correct subject-verb agreement
contain
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much sustained
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much-sustained
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nutrition.
For example
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, if they consume vitamins and minerals in their products and decrease the level of sugar that can enhance the ingredients
overall
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,
then
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people can eat them as a healthy cuisine.
To conclude
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, I strongly believe that
besides
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the price of sugary
food
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should be increased. There are
also
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other solutions for
this
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trend that should not be ignored.

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coherence and cohesion
Work on structuring your ideas more clearly and logically. Use clear topic sentences for each paragraph to guide the reader through your argument.
task achievement
Ensure that your thesis statement in the introduction clearly reflects your position on the issue. Make sure your conclusion effectively summarizes your main points and reiterates your opinion.
task achievement
Develop your ideas further with more specific details and examples. This will enhance the richness of your argument and make it more convincing.
task achievement
You clearly express your opinion on the issue and maintain a consistent stance throughout the essay. This is commendable and aligns well with the task requirement.
task achievement
You have recognized the complex nature of the problem by suggesting multiple solutions, indicating an ability to think critically about the topic.
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