IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In modern times, children are spending less time with their families and more time with their friends. Why has this change occurred? Do you think parents should force their children to spend more time at home?

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During the day most youngsters prefer to spend their leisure time with their companions rather than with their
parents
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,
this
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 is because children are using more social media.
This
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 essay will provide an opinion on how family members should not pressure their adolescents to spend more time at home which can limit their freedom. The main culprit for loose relationships within the family is the media obsession. Nowadays technological development is one of the biggest impacts. In
fact
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fact,
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 almost every child has a mobile phone and most of them are using it for social
platforms
Fix the agreement mistake
platform
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 purposes or to play games with their inmates which connects them directly with the same age group of friends.
Such
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 as a British researcher announced that during lunch hours 9 out of 10 younger people chat with their videogamers rather than
of
Change preposition
apply
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communicating with their mom and dad.
Parents
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 should not force their younger ones to spend more time at home
,
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apply
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 since it would interfere with children's liberty. In
this
Linking Words
 period of growth, children are curious and eager to see what the world offers them and they prefer to stay outdoors and do a variety of activities. If
parents
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 insist on keeping their sons and daughters indoors it can lead to a lack of movement among their friends, which can culminate in withdrawal.
For instance
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, a psychological researcher has shown that the most introverted persons in the world are those whose
parents
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 were strict and did not allow them to join any outdoor activities. In conclusion, in recent times, youth have chosen friends over families. It started to happen because of the media obsession, which was not a clue in the past. Amongst
this
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parents
Use synonyms
 should not pressure their juveniles to stay home, because it would reflect with lack of freedom and could influence their future development.

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task achievement
While you have provided a clear opinion, make sure to thoroughly develop your ideas with more detailed explanations and specific examples to support your arguments.
coherence and cohesion
Consider reorganizing your paragraphs to improve the flow of ideas. Each paragraph should focus on a single main point and connect logically to the next.
coherence and cohesion
Strengthen your introduction and conclusion. Make sure they effectively outline the main points you will discuss and reinforce your opinion in the conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Use more varied vocabulary and sentence structures to enhance the quality of your writing and convey your ideas more effectively.
content
The essay presents a clear argument against forcing children to stay at home, demonstrating a good understanding of the topic.
content
The use of specific examples, such as the mention of a British researcher and psychological research findings, adds credibility to your arguments.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Academic commitments
  • Extracurricular activities
  • Technology and social media
  • Peer acceptance
  • Independence
  • Family dynamics
  • Cultural norms
  • Individualism
  • Parental enforcement
  • Family bonds
  • Social development
  • Autonomy versus guidance
What to do next:
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