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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The graphs below show the percentage of men and women aged 60-64 who were employed in four countries in 1970 and 2000. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

The graphs below show the percentage of men and women aged 60-64 who were employed in four countries in 1970 and 2000. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.
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The data provides key information about the
proprotion
Correct your spelling
proportion
proportions
 of
Use synonyms
man
Fix the agreement mistake
men
show examples
 and
woman
Fix the agreement mistake
women
show examples
 aged 60-64
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
working across four
countrys
Correct your spelling
countries
 between 1970 and 2000 .
overall
Linking Words
,
its
Correct your spelling
it's
show examples
 clear from the graph that
Use synonyms
man's
Change noun form
men
show examples
 and
womans
Correct your spelling
women
 aged 60-64 who
wroks
Correct your spelling
work
 in Japan are
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the top of the list in 1970 . In
addtion
Correct your spelling
addition
,
Male's
Change noun form
males
show examples
 and Female's in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Belgium
have
Wrong verb form
had
show examples
 a higher amount of
employes
Correct your spelling
employees
show examples
 in 1970 .
According to
Linking Words
 what is shown , There is a significant decline
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the amount of
Use synonyms
man's
Change noun form
men
show examples
 who worked in Belgium as it shown it went from 79 per
cent
Use synonyms
 to 19 per
cent
Use synonyms
 in 2000 .
Linking Words
Also
Add a comma
Also,
show examples
 the
per
Correct your spelling
percentage
show examples
cent
Use synonyms
 of
woman's
Fix the agreement mistake
women's
show examples
worked
Wrong verb form
working
show examples
 in Japan had a
little
Correct word choice
small
show examples
 drop from 43 to 40 per
cent
Use synonyms
 . The chart of
man
Use synonyms
's been employment in 1970
Correct your spelling
across
acrross
Correct your spelling
across
 the four
country's
Change the noun form
countries
country
show examples
 is the highest rate and it
more
Add a missing verb
is more
show examples
 than the 2000 In terms of , The USA and Australia
female's
Change noun form
female
show examples
 employment had
increase
Wrong verb form
increased
show examples
 in 2000 .
Where
Correct word choice
Whereas
show examples
as
Change preposition
in
show examples
 Japan and Belgium the 1970
woman's
Fix the agreement mistake
women's
show examples
 employment
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 higher than the 2000
with
Change preposition
by
show examples
 a little bit
differant
Correct your spelling
of difference
.

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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
▼
Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words man, cent with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "amount" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • employment rate
  • percentage
  • aged 60-64
  • employed
  • country
  • comparison
  • trends
  • increase
  • decrease
  • significant changes
  • socio-economic factors
  • gender disparity
  • highest
  • lowest
  • dataset
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