IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The proportion of income adults and children spent on 4 common items in UK in 1998.

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The table illustrates the percentage of earnings spent by grown-ups and kids on 4 frequent items in the United Kingdom in 1998, namely food, electronic equipment, music and
videos
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.
Overall
Linking Words
,
it is clear that
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 most
adults
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,
men
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 and
women
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 spent their incomes on
foods
Fix the agreement mistake
food
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,
while
Linking Words
 children, boys, and girls spent
money
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 on music.
In contrast
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,
adults
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,
men
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 and
women
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 did not prefer spending
money
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 on
videos
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,
while
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 children and boys spent less
money
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 on buying food.
In addition
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, most girls do not prefer spending their
money
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 on
puchasing
Correct your spelling
purchasing
 any electronic
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equipments
Correct your spelling
equipment
. The proportions of income spent by
adults
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 on electronic
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Correct your spelling
equipment
equipments
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equipment
types of equipment
pieces of equipment
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 and
musics
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music
kinds of music
pieces of music
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 are the same In terms of
foods
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food
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,
women
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 spent the most at 39%, which is
then
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 followed by
adults
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 and
men
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 at 25% and 14% respectively. The percentages of
money
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 spent on
videos
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 among
adults
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,
men
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 and
women
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 are the lowest which are stated at 1%, 2% and 0.5%. It is
also
Linking Words
 clear that
adults
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,
men
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 and
women
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 spent the same amount of
money
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 on
musics
Change the wording
music
kinds of music
pieces of music
show examples
 at 5% of their income and
adults
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 used up their salary with
a
Correct article usage
the
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 same proportion of 5% on both electronic
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equipments
Correct your spelling
equipment
 and
musics
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music
kinds of music
pieces of music
show examples
,
while
Linking Words
men
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 and
women
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 used 10% and 1% of their income on electronic
Use synonyms
equipments
Change the wording
equipment
types of equipment
pieces of equipment
show examples
. Most children, boys and girls used up their
money
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 on music at around 39%. Unlike
adults
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, most young teenagers spent a percentage of 9% to 11% on
foods
Fix the agreement mistake
food
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, which is the least among others.
Lastly
Linking Words
, average teens
used
Wrong verb form
use
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 up
thier
Correct your spelling
their
money
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 on electronic
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equipments
Change the wording
equipment
types of equipment
pieces of equipment
show examples
 and
videos
Use synonyms
.

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task achievement
Make sure to use more precise language when describing data. For example, instead of saying 'most adults,' specify what percentage constitutes 'most.'
coherence and cohesion
To improve coherence, try to use linking words and phrases more effectively to connect your ideas. For instance, use 'in contrast' or 'similarly' to highlight comparisons clearly.
coherence and cohesion
While your introduction and conclusion are present, try summarizing the main points in a more detailed manner to give a clearer overall picture.
task achievement
The essay provides a good overview of spending patterns, indicating a clear understanding of the data presented in the table.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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