IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information, such as their hobbies and interests, and whether they are married or single. Some people say that this information may be relevant and useful. Others disagree. Discuss both these vibes and give your own opinion.

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It is argued about asking the personal
infomation
Correct your spelling
information
such
Linking Words
 as leisure time activities, amateur interests and the marital status
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
 employees during their employment applications.Some individuals admire it as appropriate and
covenient
Correct your spelling
convenient
,
however
Linking Words
, others find it useless.In my opinion ,
this
Linking Words
 is a better concept to get knowledge about the desires and
taste
Fix the agreement mistake
tastes
show examples
 of every worker to provide them friendly working atmosphere rather
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then
Replace the word
than
show examples
 imposing them to the restrict beyond the strict rules of the organization. To commence with, the relative environment of working space is considered important where every employee can feel similar to their own house .
Additionally
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, several companies provide various incentives to their workers as per their
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
show examples
.
For example
Linking Words
, In Canada, a
13 weeks
Correct your spelling
13-week
 maternity leave benefit is given to their married
employes
Correct your spelling
employees
show examples
 to take care of their
new born
Correct your spelling
newborn
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 babies.
Hence
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, these
type
Fix the agreement mistake
types
show examples
 of advantages can be provided if
employer
Add an article
the employer
an employer
show examples
will
Verb problem
apply
show examples
have worker's personal
family related
Add a hyphen
family-related
show examples
information
Use synonyms
. No worthless, sometimes the contemporary platforms of
employement
Correct your spelling
employment
 can eliminate the confidence
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
 sharing the confidential
information
Use synonyms
 of a worker which can ruin their privacy.People can get into trouble for uploading their private data who may search and submit job applications online .To illustrate, Cybercrime is the most significant reason behind
disagreement
Correct article usage
the disagreement
show examples
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 providing
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
personal
information
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
pasttime
Correct your spelling
past time
 tasks,
family
Correct word choice
and family
show examples
relationship
Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
show examples
. In conclusion,
althoungh
Correct your spelling
although
 providing personal
information
Use synonyms
 to your employer can impact your privacy at
time
Add an article
the time
show examples
 you are only applying for
employement
Correct your spelling
employment
,
however
Linking Words
, sometimes sharing can be the reason for caring and workers can get
theoutstanding
Correct your spelling
the outstanding
outstanding
benefits only if their managers
will
Verb problem
apply
show examples
have knowledge about their likings and backgrounds.

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task achievement
Ensure that your introduction clearly states your thesis and the main points you will discuss in your essay.
coherence and cohesion
Try to use more varied sentence structures for better flow and readability.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to proofread your work for spelling and grammar mistakes and correct them before submission.
task achievement
Your essay presents a balanced view of the topic, discussing both sides before presenting your opinion, which is a good approach.
task achievement
You have included examples in your paragraphs, which helps support your arguments.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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