IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some countries have an ever-increasing proportion of population who are aged at 15 or younger. What is your opinion of the current and future effects it may have in those countries

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It is said that some
countries
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 have ever-increasing
Use synonyms
population
Fix the agreement mistake
populations
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 that are younger than 16.
This
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 essay will examine the current and
the
Correct article usage
apply
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future effects of
this
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 phenomenon. One of the most obvious effects of
this
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 increasing young
population
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 that
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 seen today is the shortage of
food
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.
Expanding
Correct article usage
The expanding
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population
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 needs enough
food
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 supply that
can
Verb problem
apply
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feed them all. If you look at some African
countries
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, there are so many children who are starving
due to
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 the lack of
food
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 because they cannot produce or import enough
food
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 for the increasing number of people. Another effect could be the environmental damage. The more people live in the area, the dirtier the
environment
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 gets. Humans exploit natural resources like edible plants or animals to survive and they need some time to grow back naturally.
However
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, when there are far more people than the
environment
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 can hold,
then
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 the ecological balance collapses.
That is
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 happening in those
Africa
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African
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countries
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. What is expected to happen in the future for those
countries
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 with ever-rising young
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population
Fix the agreement mistake
populations
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 under 16 includes foreseeable working forces.
Working
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The working
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population
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 is usually aged between 18 and 65 and as the younger generation grows, it is anticipated that they will help grow the
countries
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'
economics
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economies
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 as essential
work forces
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workforces
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.
However
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, it could
also
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 be expected that the
environment
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 will continue to
be deteriorated
Change to the active voice
deteriorate
have deteriorated
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 in the same manner as I mentioned earlier.
To conclude
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, the rising young
population
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 in some
countries
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 have
impact
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an impact
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 on
food
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 shortages and the
environment
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 at the moment, and will
also
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 affect
the
Correct article usage
apply
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future economic growth and
the
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apply
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further
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Use synonyms
environment
Replace the word
environmental
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 damage.

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task achievement
The introduction needs to clearly outline the main points you will discuss, which will set the reader's expectations for the essay.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that your paragraphs have a clear topic sentence that relates directly back to the question – this will improve the logical flow and clarity.
task achievement
Include more specific examples and data to support your points, especially in sections discussing food shortages and environmental issues.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to use varied sentence structures to enhance the overall fluency of your writing.
task achievement
You have addressed the task by identifying both current and future effects of a rising young population, which shows an understanding of the topic.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure, with distinct paragraphs for current and future impacts, making it easier for the reader to follow your arguments.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • ever-increasing
  • proportion
  • vibrant
  • innovative
  • strain
  • cater
  • predominantly
  • unemployment
  • adequately
  • GDP (Gross Domestic Product)
  • sustainability
  • demographic
  • reforms
  • social unrest
  • illusioned
  • dynamic
  • global stage
What to do next:
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