IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowadays children play computer games for long hours. They do not play traditional game. What do you think are the reasons for this? Do you think it influences in a good or bad way?

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These days, young generations are more likely to be addicted to technology, because they are being allowed to watch
televisions
Fix the agreement mistake
television
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 and
high tone
Add a hyphen
high-tone
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 and colourful video songs from
early
Add an article
an early
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 age.
Which
Correct pronoun usage
This
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lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
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 to
make
Verb problem
apply
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babies not interacting with their mothers and they are less interested in
real life
Add a hyphen
real-life
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 toys and activities.
This
Linking Words
 will affect their life in many aspects. Starting with their communication skills, they will lose interest in people, they will not enjoy living
the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
 moment and they
would
Wrong verb form
will
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 prefer watching entertaining shows or scrolling
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
between social media apps. All of which will lead them
being
Change preposition
to being
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 more separated, anxious and not feeling belonging to others in their community. Which can contribute to more
isolation
Replace the word
isolated
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 behaviour and social anxiety.Their relationship with their family and friends might be affected as they would prefer to stay at home playing on the computer rather than go out with them.
This
Linking Words
 can affect
also
Linking Words
 their school grades and their future. As they will be distracted easily by the phone or computer. Their soft skills will be less than others, which will affect them in finding
good
Add an article
a good
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 career. Awareness campaigns should be done regularly to educate parents
first,
Linking Words
that screen
time
Use synonyms
 should be avoided
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 babies under two years old and older
than
Correct word choice
and
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 that they should have
limited
Add an article
a limited
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short
Correct word choice
apply
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time
Use synonyms
. Parents need to have
restriction
Fix the agreement mistake
restrictions
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 on the allowed
time
Use synonyms
 to spend on any tech devices during the day and to be strict about it, including studying, entertainment, gaming or other uses. The
young’s
Change noun form
young
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 should know the risks and why they should have limited
time
Use synonyms
 to
spent
Change the form of the verb
spend
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 on technology each day.
As spending
Change preposition
Spending
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 several hours
on
Change preposition
in
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 front of the screens can harm adults
as well as
Linking Words
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
younger people.

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task achievement
The introduction should clearly establish the main topic and indicate the direction of the essay. Try to summarize the main points that will be discussed in your essay right at the beginning.
coherence and cohesion
Your paragraphs could be better structured. Each paragraph should start with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea, followed by supporting details. Consider separating your ideas more distinctly into paragraphs.
task achievement
Include specific examples or data to support your claims. For instance, give examples of specific games or studies that support the points you are making about social anxiety or communication skills.
task achievement
You demonstrate a good understanding of the impact technology has on young children, mentioning both social and educational aspects.
task achievement
Your essay raises important issues regarding screen time for children, which engages the reader and emphasizes relevance.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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