IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

It is responsibility of individuals to save and provide for their own retirement. Governments have no obligation to provide this benefit. To what extend to you agree or disagree with these statements?

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Nowadays, it is argued that
people
Use synonyms
 should take
reposibility
Correct your spelling
responsibility
of
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for
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 their own retirement by saving
money
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 to do so
while
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 some
people
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 argue that it is the responsibility of the government to provide
such
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services
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 which
benefits
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benefit
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people
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's retirement.
This
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 essay will discuss both views and will provide the necessary information about old age
services
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 for
people
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.
To begin
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 with, old
people
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 make up a significant portion of the population, almost 40% of the total population , so there are a lot of old age exploiters in health
services
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.
While
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 some may earn more
money
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 than they need and use it to get
insurances
Fix the agreement mistake
insurance
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,
this
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 is
case
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the case
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 for everyone. The average person earns only to satisfy the basic of commodities in
lifetime
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a lifetime
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 so there is
a
Correct article usage
apply
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little to no room for saving.
Furthermore
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, most
people
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 can't save enough to persist through their later life. One estimate suggests that only 35% of the elderly have enough
money
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 for retirement and
rest
Correct article usage
the rest
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them does
Wrong verb form
do
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 not. These hardships can be resolved by the government in mainly three ways.
Firstly
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, they can provide,
for
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apply
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people
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, with several schemes and
services
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 that will attack these hardships and will help the elderly
to
Verb problem
apply
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save a lot.
Secondly
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, they can integrate these systems with their salaries so that the older individuals can effortlessly and effectively manage their
hard earned
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hard-earned
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money
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.
Finally
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,
for
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apply
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those who work as government employees can benefit from schemes that combine insurance policies and savings with salaries and bonuses
also
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 to help them pay these by not giving penalties. To summarise, governments around the world should support the elders of their nation and should integrate them seamlessly with the rest of the population.
Thus
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, I decline to support the statement
and
Correct word choice
that
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 the
people
Use synonyms
 in power should help them financially.

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coherence
Ensure that sentences are clearly structured and ideas are logically sequenced. This will help the reader follow your argument more easily.
task achievement
Make sure to elaborate on your points with specific examples, which can greatly enhance your argument and provide clarity to your ideas.
positive
You provide a clear introduction that outlines the essay's main discussion points.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • self-reliance
  • financial planning
  • social safety nets
  • poverty and inequality
  • employer-based pension schemes
  • personal savings
  • government benefits
  • economic factors
  • inflation
  • financial markets
  • government intervention
  • ethical implications
  • disparities
  • quality of life
  • collective approach
  • retirement planning
  • retirement security
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