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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that employers should prioritize hiring people with work experience, while others believe that formal education is more important. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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In recent days, there
is
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has been
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 a dispute
whether
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about whether
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 employers should prioritize hiring people with work experience or with higher and relevant formal
education
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.
This
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 essay will try to examine both views concerning the question topic. Some people argue that employing experienced
workers
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better
Add a missing verb
is better
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 than educated ones.
This
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 notion is based on at least two pivotal reasons.
Firstly
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, the
workers
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 with abundant experience do not need much time to adapt
with
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to
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 the workplace culture and system, since they have mastered the ins and
out
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outs
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 of the field, especially in the more practical fields
such
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 as engineering, farming, or mining.
Secondly
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, hiring
the
Correct article usage
apply
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experienced
workers
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 will reduce the
company
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company's
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 expenditure
for
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on
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 employee development which is one of the most important and costly components of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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enterprises over the globe. Economizing the cost, of course,
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
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 it
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
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easier for
organization
Add an article
an organization
the organization
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 to gain their goals
accordingly
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.
However
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,
on the other hand
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, employing
workers
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 with suitable formal
education
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 should be taken
for
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into
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 account for some important reasons as well.
Firstly
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,
workers
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 with appropriate formal
education
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 are important for the long-term goals of companies. The
workers
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 basically at least have already mastered their major related to the work in school
of
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on
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 campus.
Give
Wrong verb form
Giving
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 them an opportunity in the workplace will lead to more skillful employees. In turn, they will be able to be included or become a part of future planning of the organization where they work.
Additionally
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, employees with relevant educational
background
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backgrounds
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, which majority of
them
Correct pronoun usage
whom
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 are young and even fresh graduates, are easy to adapt
with
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to
show examples
 new technologies that have become an important part of contemporary companies. Given these two perspectives above, both hiring experienced
workers
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 and good formal
education
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 employees have their distinctive benefits respectively. Ultimately, the decision totally depends on the
organizations'
Change noun form
organisation's
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 vision and objective. When they desire to gain quick and short-term goals, the first option will be the best.
Conversely
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, when the long-term objectives are predominantly considered,
then
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 the second one might be the appropriate choice.

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task achievement
The introduction states the topic but could provide a clearer thesis statement that summarizes your position. Consider rephrasing to outline the key points you will discuss.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that you use connectors effectively to enhance the logical flow of your ideas. Using phrases like 'on the one hand' and 'on the other hand' can help in transitioning between opposing views.
task achievement
While you have provided reasons for both sides, including more specific examples or case studies could strengthen your arguments and make them more convincing.
task achievement
You have successfully outlined both perspectives on the topic, showing an understanding of the debate.
coherence and cohesion
Your use of paragraphs is quite effective, helping to separate distinct ideas and arguments, which aids readability.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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