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Writing Samples
Band 6

The bar chart below shows the salt intake of men and women in different age groups in a country in Europe in 2019.

The bar chart below shows the salt intake of men and women in different age groups in a country in Europe in 2019.
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A glance at the figure given illustrates the
salt
Use synonyms
consumption
Use synonyms
 of males and females in various
age
Use synonyms
 sections in
a particular states
Correct the article-noun agreement
a particular state
particular states
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 in Europe in 2019. Based on an
overall
Linking Words
 perspective, it can be seen that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
men's
salt
Use synonyms
consumption
Use synonyms
 was higher than female. Both of these
Use synonyms
group
Fix the agreement mistake
groups
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 reached the highest
consumption
Use synonyms
 when they were
adult
Use synonyms
 (30-39 years old) at 5,000
mg
Use synonyms
 for
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 and 3,900
mg
Use synonyms
 for
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
.
Linking Words
While the
Correct word choice
The
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 lowest
consumption
Use synonyms
 was toddler
group
Use synonyms
 at 1,500
mg
Use synonyms
 for boys and 1,20
mg
Use synonyms
 for girls. In the male section, it can be seen that all the
age
Use synonyms
 groups reached beyond the recommended daily
salt
Use synonyms
 intake, except the
toddlers
Change to a genitive case
toddler's
toddlers'
show examples
group
Use synonyms
 at 1,500
mg
Use synonyms
. There was a gradual enhancement from
kids
Correct article usage
the kids
show examples
group
Use synonyms
 to
Use synonyms
adult
Correct article usage
the adult
show examples
group
Use synonyms
 of about 1,000
mg
Use synonyms
. It achieved its peak in
mature
Add an article
the mature
a mature
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group
Use synonyms
 (30-39 years old) at 5,000
mg
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, there was a gradual decline of about 100
mg
Use synonyms
 from
40
Correct article usage
the 40
show examples
-49
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
 to
elderly
Correct article usage
the elderly
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group
Use synonyms
. In
female
Add an article
the female
show examples
 category, it showed that only the toddlers and elders
who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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passed the recommended daily
salt
Use synonyms
consumption
Use synonyms
. There was a gradual increase of about 500
mg
Use synonyms
 from kids to young
Use synonyms
adult
Fix the agreement mistake
adults
show examples
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
Use synonyms
adult
Add an article
the adult
show examples
group
Use synonyms
 reached its peak at 3,900
mg
Use synonyms
.
In addition
Linking Words
, there was a subsequent decrease of about 500 from
40
Correct article usage
the 40
show examples
-49
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
 to
60
Correct article usage
the 60
show examples
-69 years
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
. Afterwards, the elderly reached the
recommendation
Replace the word
recommended
show examples
salt
Use synonyms
consumption
Use synonyms
 at 2,300
mg
Use synonyms
.

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Basic structure: Change the second paragraph.
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words salt, consumption, age, group, adult, mg with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "reached" was used 4 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 4 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "gradual" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • salt intake
  • age groups
  • men
  • women
  • bar chart
  • trend
  • significant differences
  • consume
  • notable
  • variations
  • highest
  • lowest
  • implications
  • health
  • long-term effects
  • recommendations
  • demographics
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