IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

New Technologies change the way children spend their free time. Do the advantages of these changes outweigh the disadvantages?

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A widely heated debate regarding whether the merits of new technologies occupying
children
Use synonyms
's leisure
time
Use synonyms
 outweigh the demerits has received accumulating attention from the public. As for my perspective, I am in favor of
this
Linking Words
 statement and the reasons will be elaborated on thoroughly as follows. An array of causes may lead to why technology
brings
Verb problem
has
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 negative impacts
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
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youngsters.
To begin
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 with, the 3C products will absolutely damage their eyesight if
children
Use synonyms
spent
Wrong verb form
spend
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to
Correct your spelling
too
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 much
time
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 on
Add an article
a smartphone
the smartphone
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smartphone
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
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,
computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
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,
laptop
Fix the agreement mistake
laptops
show examples
 and so on. Take my cousin as an example. She is only 10 years old and
need
Change the verb form
needs
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 to wear glasses in her daily life because she
had
Wrong verb form
has
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 been scrolling her smartphone
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time
Change preposition
from time
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 to
time
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 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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recent years.
Moreover
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,
children
Use synonyms
 are easy to be addicted to online games;
consequently
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, they will waste
time
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 on
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
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 and ignore their tasks.
That is
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,
children
Use synonyms
have
Verb problem
are
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 more willing to
using
Wrong verb form
use
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 new technologies rather than playing basketball or exercising in their free
time
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.
On the contrary
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, as far as I am concerned, the pros of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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youngsters using electronic devices in their leisure
time
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 totally overwhelm the cons.
Firstly
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,
children
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 can soak up the newest knowledge
in
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on
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
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websites and
the
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apply
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social media, which means they update their
informations
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information
pieces of information
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 faster and gain wider fields of
knowledges
Change the wording
knowledge
pieces of knowledge
bits of knowledge
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.
Secondly
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, with the rapid development of technology,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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youngsters have a chance to explore their interests via the new technologies. To be more specific, a teenager might find his interest
due to
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 the fact that he
spend
Change the verb form
spends
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time
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 learning new techniques
in
Change preposition
on
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 the internet,
then
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 he can choose the related major which is
rely
Verb problem
based
show examples
 on his interest. In conclusion, based on the aforementioned, the benefits of
children
Use synonyms
 spending
time
Use synonyms
 on technology products may overwhelm the drawbacks because they can obtain the latest information and find their ambition.

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task achievement
Your introduction effectively introduces the topic and presents your opinion. However, consider clarifying your thesis statement by briefly outlining the points you will discuss in your essay.
task achievement
While your ideas are generally clear, ensure that your arguments are well-developed. Provide more examples or explanations to support your points, especially regarding how technology helps children discover their interests.
coherence and cohesion
Try to improve the logical flow of your essay. For instance, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and that your ideas transition smoothly from one to another.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to proofread your work for grammar and spelling errors, as these can impact the clarity of your writing. For example, 'to much' should be 'too much,' and phrases like 'the youngsters' could be simplified to 'children.'
task achievement
You provide a balanced view by discussing both advantages and disadvantages of technology use, which is a strong aspect of your essay.
task achievement
You have included personal examples that relate directly to your main points, making your argument more relatable.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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