IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The role of education is to prepare children for the modern world. Schools should cut art and music out of the curriculum so that children can focus on useful subjects such as information technology. To what extent do you agree? Umar

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The main role of educating is to prepare
students
Use synonyms
 for the new environment.
School
Fix the agreement mistake
Schools
show examples
need
Add the particle
need to
show examples
 remove art and music
out of
Change preposition
from
show examples
 the curriculum in order
to
Change preposition
for to
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 children
can
Verb problem
apply
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concentrate on helpful subjects
such
Linking Words
 as information
technology
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. I totally agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement because
technology
Use synonyms
 is more valuable in modern society and gives a lot of opportunities in turns of wealth in their elderly
life
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. First of all,
technology
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 in modern
life
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 has more value than any
subjects
Fix the agreement mistake
subject
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 in the world , universities thoroughly look after
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
students
Use synonyms
 who during
school
Correct article usage
the school
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 system choose information
technology
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 and
providing
Wrong verb form
provide
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 them
as
Change preposition
with as
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 they can ,thereby trying to persuade them to go to their education centres.
For instance
Linking Words
, research has shown that more than half
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
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 of
students
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 who prefer learning technologies
getting
Wrong verb form
get
show examples
 a job after graduation. In general, education
focused
Wrong verb form
focuses
show examples
 on
modern
Add an article
the modern
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 world, contributing more
recourses
Correct your spelling
resources
show examples
 exactly to
technologies
Fix the agreement mistake
technology
show examples
subjects. The fact that the value of
technology
Use synonyms
 is increasing as time flies. Giving people more advantages and opportunities in money and attracting investments .
For example
Linking Words
, as a research show,parents whose
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
show examples
 prefer
technology
Use synonyms
represent
Verb problem
apply
show examples
live in wealth in half case.
Technology
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 is not always about money
also
Linking Words
 there is a private
enjoying
Replace the word
enjoyment
show examples
 of creating or modernizing for government purposes which can make
life
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 better. In conclusion, I strongly support the suggestion that music and art should be cut from
school
Add an article
the school
show examples
 system and be changed by information
technology
Use synonyms
 which is more precious in current
life
Use synonyms
 and provides more possibilities for
students
Use synonyms
 for their own future careers.

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task achievement
Your introduction clearly states your position, but it could be more engaging. Try to rephrase your main argument for more impact.
coherence and cohesion
Improve the logical structure by ensuring that each paragraph presents one main idea clearly. Ensure that the topic sentences reflect the paragraph's content.
task achievement
Some examples lack clarity and relevance. Make sure your examples directly support your points and clarify the connection between technology and future opportunities.
coherence and cohesion
Consider varying your sentence structure and improving grammar in some areas to enhance clarity and precision of your argument.
task achievement
You present a clear opinion on the topic, and your essay reflects a strong personal stance.
task achievement
You make an attempt to connect ideas about technology and future employment, which is relevant to the prompt.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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