IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many offenders commit more crimes after serving the first punishment. Why is this happening, and what measures can be taken to tackle this problem?

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It is commonly seen that there is
greater
Add an article
a greater
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 chance of committing crimes again by criminals who have served their
first
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sentence
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.
this
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 is mainly
due to
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 the
less
Change the quantifier
fewer
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 job opportunities.
However
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,
this
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 problem can be tackled with the help of effective measures. One prominent reason
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
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why offenders
committed
Wrong verb form
commit
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Use synonyms
crime
Fix the agreement mistake
crimes
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 again after
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first
Correct article usage
the first
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 punishment is lack of employment as when they serve their
first
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sentence
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,they have no source of income in order to fulfil their basic needs
such
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 as shelter, food and clothes owing to which they again commit
offend
Replace the word
offence
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.
A
Change preposition
In a
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 survey conducted by the University of Delhi, for illustration,
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
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 of robbers again commit robbery after releasing from
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first
Change the article
the first
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sentence
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. Another reason is that society
do
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does
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 not accept
that
Correct word choice
apply
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people who have bad
reputation
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reputations
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, especially offenders because individuals do not want to compromise their safety by accepting criminals.
As a result
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, evildoers would commit
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crime
Fix the agreement mistake
crimes
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 again.
On the other hand
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, taking effective measures is beneficial for reducing the problem of committing
crime
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.
First
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 and
the
Correct article usage
apply
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foremost is proper rehabilitation as it is
responsibility
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the responsibility
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 of the government to spend more money on education and job training in prison.By
the
Correct article usage
apply
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virtue of
this
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, lawbreakers have an opportunity to obtain different skills, mainly labour work, which would hopefully assist them to get good
job
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jobs
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 after
first
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 prison. The second solution is that the authority should
have to
Verb problem
apply
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keep track of offenders after
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first
Change the article
the first
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sentence
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, it would not only
reduces
Correct subject-verb agreement
reduce
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 the rate of
crime
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 but
also
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 alert the criminals to think twice before committing
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crime
Add an article
a crime
the crime
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. In conclusion,
although
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 less employment and no acceptance by society are the main reasons for offending
crime
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,
this
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 problem can be overcome with the help of the government.

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Task Achievement
Make sure to provide a clearer thesis statement in your introduction that outlines the main points you will discuss. This will help guide your reader.
Coherence and Cohesion
In the body paragraphs, ensure that each point is well-developed and clearly explained. Sometimes your ideas feel a bit rushed or not fully explored.
Coherence and Cohesion
Try to use more varied vocabulary and sentence structures to enhance the flow of your writing.
Task Achievement
You have correctly identified key reasons for reoffending which shows an understanding of the topic.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your conclusion summarizes the main points well and reiterates the importance of governmental measures.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • recidivism
  • rehabilitation programs
  • social stigma
  • ex-convicts
  • reintegration
  • support systems
  • mental health issues
  • addiction problems
  • criminal networks
  • incarceration
What to do next:
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