IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge

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There is no denying the fact that young
students
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 demand
a
Correct article usage
apply
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high pressure
while
Linking Words
 they study academic
lessons
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 beside other non-academic
lessons
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, so it is a good solution to remove the non-academic from
timetable
Add an article
the timetable
show examples
 of schools.
As a result
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, they increase their
attension
Correct your spelling
attention
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 essential subjects. There is an opinion that
contradict
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contradicts
show examples
this
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. In my
opinion
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opinion,
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 I believe that the non-academic subject
provide
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provides
show examples
 a
lissure
Correct your spelling
assure
 to the
students
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 and it is not a good idea to remove that
lessons
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.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, music and physical
excercise
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exercise
 are not
stresfull
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stressful
to
Change preposition
for
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 pupils, so they increase their
attension
Correct your spelling
attention
 and provide a happy time in
school
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.
Moreover
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, the more non-academic
subject
Fix the agreement mistake
subjects
show examples
 the more
lissure
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pleasure
leisure
 inside their
school
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 and that
increse
Correct your spelling
increases
 their affinity to go to
school
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 every day,
although
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 they take academic
lessons
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 beside
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
show examples
.
For example
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, the
students
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 in Finland take many fun
lessons
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, and they like to go to
school
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 with more
active
Replace the word
activity
show examples
 and more
attension
Correct your spelling
attention
 to other subjects. Another point to consider, sport, music or even cooking
learn
Verb problem
teach
show examples
 them many skills which could be beneficial in life aspects.
In other words
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,
students
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 may want to be
musician
Fix the agreement mistake
musicians
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, football
player
Fix the agreement mistake
players
show examples
 or
chef
Fix the agreement mistake
chefs
show examples
 and no need for deep insight
to
Change preposition
into
show examples
 other sciences.
In addition
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,
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
lessons
Use synonyms
 increase the movement and discard the
laizyness
Correct your spelling
laziness
 from pupils.
For instance
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, in many countries, there are
Use synonyms
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
 specialised in music or others that they
recieve
Correct your spelling
receive
 less
concetration
Correct your spelling
concentration
 on sciences and
recieve
Correct your spelling
receive
 more non-academic subjects. In conclusion,
nevertheless
Linking Words
, have difficult educational material that stresses the children in
school
Use synonyms
, the fun
non- educational
Correct your spelling
non-educational
show examples
 material should be recieved as to remove the pressure on them and learn different skills.

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task achievement
Your introduction is slightly unclear, and it could better express your stance. Consider rephrasing it to clearly state your position on the issue.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to check your spelling and grammar, as errors might confuse your points. For example, 'lissure' should be 'leisure' and 'attension' should be 'attention'.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that directly relates to your main argument, which will help improve the logical flow of your essay.
task achievement
Try to provide more specific examples or details in your body paragraphs to support your arguments, as this will strengthen your overall position.
task achievement
You present a balanced view by acknowledging both sides of the argument, which is commendable and reflects critical thinking.
task achievement
Your points about the benefits of non-academic subjects are relevant and insightful, showing that you understand their importance in a student's life.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • pressure
  • succeed
  • academically
  • non-academic
  • physical education
  • cookery
  • school syllabus
  • concentrate
  • academic work
  • well-rounded
  • enhancement
  • practical skills
  • balanced education system
What to do next:
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