IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
It is undeniable that the overwhelming majority of
products
Use synonyms
 on the store shelves contain a huge amount of
sugar
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, it is well-known that
sugar
Use synonyms
 causes obesity, diabetes, heart
diseases
Fix the agreement mistake
disease
show examples
 and so on.
That is
Linking Words
 why people from all corners
around
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the world try to find effective solutions to
this
Linking Words
 issue and one of them is an increase in
prices
Correct article usage
the prices
show examples
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
products
Use synonyms
 with added
sugar
Use synonyms
. I totally disagree with
this
Linking Words
 idea because, in my opinion, it can have
an
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 opposite effect.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, a myriad of
food
Use synonyms
 companies can win
Linking Words
due to
Change preposition
by
show examples
 raising prices on
food
Use synonyms
 and
drink
Correct subject-verb agreement
drinks
show examples
 that contain added
sugar
Use synonyms
. It seems to me that people who are used to a particular
food
Use synonyms
 or drink will not stop consuming
them
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
 despite a price rise.
Moreover
Linking Words
, if buyers do not find an appropriate substitute for
products
Use synonyms
 with
sugar
Use synonyms
, they will not have any other choice, except for purchasing them.
Therefore
Linking Words
, it is a vicious circle where enterprises earn more money and reinvest them in new
products
Use synonyms
 with a high level of
sugar
Use synonyms
.
Thus
Linking Words
, in order to cope with
this
Linking Words
 problem, the government should raise the taxes for companies which produce unhealthy
food
Use synonyms
 and subsidise enterprises that use high-quality or nutritious ingredients in their
products
Use synonyms
. In
this
Linking Words
 case, unhealthy
products
Use synonyms
 will be displaced by healthier and more sustainable ones.
Besides
Linking Words
, the money collected through taxes can be used to establish programs aimed at reducing obesity and diabetes. Summing up, I tend to believe that an increase in prices does not encourage people to consume less
sugar
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, if we clean store shelves
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
products
Use synonyms
 with a large amount of added
sugar
Use synonyms
 we will change the situation significantly.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Consider providing more specific examples or studies that highlight the health issues caused by high sugar consumption. This could strengthen your argument and provide clearer support for your claims about the effects of raising prices.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that your ideas are more distinct and connected. For instance, use clearer topic sentences or transition phrases in each paragraph to enhance the flow between your ideas.
task achievement
Expand on your counterargument by discussing potential perspectives on why increasing prices might benefit health awareness among consumers. Addressing opposing viewpoints can make your argument more robust.
task achievement
Your essay has a clear stance and presents a thoughtful argument against the increase in sugary product prices, which shows strong engagement with the topic.
coherence and cohesion
The structure of your essay is generally effective, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion that reinforces your main point.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
What to do next:
Look at other essays: