IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high level of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

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In today’s world, there are a lot of
health
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 issues
due to
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 high levels of
sugars
Fix the agreement mistake
sugar
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 in processed foods and beverages. One suggestion to decrease the consumption of
sugar
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 is to make
products
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 that include high levels of
sugar
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 expensive in order to encourage
people
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 to consume less
sugar
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. I do not agree with
this
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 suggestion completely, and I think we need more practical solutions for
this
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 situation.
Firstly
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, making
products
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 expensive is not a complete answer
for
Change preposition
to
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 the high level of
sugar
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 use. Manufacturers should be more focused on the ingredients of their
products
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 to make healthier versions of them with reduced levels of
sugar
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.
Instead
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 of making
hard
Correct pronoun usage
it hard
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 to purchase sugary
products
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, there should be healthier options that
people
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 can consider choosing in the stores.
This
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 approach would be more convenient and a long-term solution for
this
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 problem.
Secondly
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,
sugar
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 has negative impacts on the human body and teeth,
such
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 as causing high blood
sugar
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, diabetes, cancer, and tooth decay.
People
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 should spend time reading the ingredients of
products
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 so they can have opinions about the nutritional value of what they consume. Awareness is the first step in helping
people
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 start to make better choices regarding their
health
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, specifically, selecting
products
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 with lower
sugar
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 content. In
this
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 way, they may find healthier options which can reduce the negative
health
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 impact of
high
Add a hyphen
high-sugar
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sugar
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 foods. In my opinion,
people
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 are responsible as much as companies to take care of their
health
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. Being aware of what you eat and drink can change the whole system and force
the
Correct article usage
apply
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companies to produce healthier options. In
this
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 case, increasing the price of
products
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 is not a correct solution.

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task achievement
Consider providing more specific examples of healthy alternatives to sugary products to strengthen your argument and enhance task achievement.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure your conclusion restates your main points clearly and succinctly, reinforcing your position for a stronger ending.
task achievement
If possible, provide more detail on why making sugary products more expensive may not be effective, as this could help clarify your position on the issue.
task achievement
Your essay presents a clear position on the topic and demonstrates a good understanding of the complexities surrounding sugar consumption.
coherence and cohesion
The organization of your points is logical, with a clear flow from one idea to the next, contributing to the overall coherence of the essay.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • sugar consumption
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • encourage
  • expensive
  • reduce
  • effectively
  • discourage
  • tight budget
  • purchasing
  • disproportionately
  • lower-income individuals
  • healthier food choices
  • demand
  • regardless
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