IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think rapid population growth in cities only benefits people who live there while others believe that there are disadvantages. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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As urbanisation occurs, the
population
Use synonyms
 in cities has increased dramatically in recent years. Some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that the rise in
population
Use synonyms
 is beneficial,
while
Linking Words
 others have the opposite view and argue that there are more disadvantages.
Hence
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, I will discuss both of their views in the following passage. On the one hand, there is no doubt that urbanisation has advantages. First and foremost, as more
people
Use synonyms
 are
residents
Use synonyms
 in cities, the figure for the labour force will expand.
Instead
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 of agriculture in suburban areas, the work in cities
such
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 as factory workers may have higher efficiency. It follows that the total output of the country will rise and economic growth will occur, which leads to a rise in average living
standard
Fix the agreement mistake
standards
show examples
.
Additionally
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, in order to enable more
people
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 to live
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
, the government need to invest more in providing better services to their
residents
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,
such
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 as education and healthcare.
Through
Change preposition
In
show examples
this
Linking Words
 way, children can attach to higher levels of education and
people
Use synonyms
 can get treated when they are ill, so their happiness tends to increase.
On the other hand
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, we cannot ignore the problems of
this
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 issue. With more
residents
Use synonyms
 in the urban area, more private cars appear on the road.
As a result
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, more carbon dioxide will be emitted and more traffic congestion may occur, which both have detrimental impacts on the environment and humans.
Furthermore
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, the rising city
population
Use synonyms
 translates into a reduction in
population
Use synonyms
 in rural areas. Fewer workers are responsible for development in the countryside, not only the
economic
Replace the word
economy
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 but
also
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 the production will fall into recession. The
residents
Use synonyms
 there live in
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
poor
condition
Fix the agreement mistake
conditions
show examples
 with low living
standard
Fix the agreement mistake
standards
show examples
. In the light of analysis mentioned above,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
urbanisation leads to higher living
standard
Fix the agreement mistake
standards
show examples
 in
city
Add an article
the city
show examples
 but lower in the countryside. Only by balancing the development in both
area
Change to a plural noun
areas
show examples
 can we achieve sustainable growth.

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Task Achievement
Your introduction effectively sets up the topic, but consider making your thesis statement more explicit by clearly stating your stance or summary of the discussion.
Coherence and Cohesion
While your essay is largely coherent, some transitions between ideas could be smoother. Using linking words or phrases could improve the flow.
Task Achievement
You have given some relevant examples, but more specific details or statistics could strengthen your arguments and provide clearer evidence.
Task Achievement
Your essay presents a balanced discussion of both views and explores the advantages and disadvantages well.
Coherence and Cohesion
The structure of your essay is clear with identifiable paragraphs for introduction, body, and conclusion, which aids readability.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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