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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The supplied line chart compares the proportion of female employees in 4 nations, namely the US, France, Afghanistan and Korea, in 2 decades starting from 1985.

The supplied line chart compares the proportion of female employees in 4 nations, namely the US, France, Afghanistan and Korea, in 2 decades starting from 1985.
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The line chart compares four regions in terms of the proportion of employed
women
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 throughout the period between 1985 and 2005 .
Overall
Linking Words
 , the four regions experienced different trends in the time period.
While
Linking Words
 the
women
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 employed rate in the USA, France and
korea
Change the capitalization
Korea
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 rose with some fluctuations , the percentage in Afghanistan fell over
the
Correct article usage
apply
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time . As the graph shows the proportion of employed
women
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 in Afghanistan started at
approximatly
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approximately
 32
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percent
Change the spelling
per cent
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 in 1985.
Then
Linking Words
 increased steadily to 40
percent
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 in 1995 before it plunged to 10
percent
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 in 2000. Afterwards , the figure declined steadily to reach around 1
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percent
Change the spelling
per cent
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 in 2005 .
By contrast
Linking Words
 , the USA employed
women
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 rate experienced an increase during
this
Linking Words
 period of time , it began at 45
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percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 in 1985
then
Linking Words
 it increased gradually
untill
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until
 it stood at 70
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percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 in 2000 followed by a small
fell
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fall
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 to 60
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percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 in 2005 . Regarding, France's
women
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emplyed
Correct your spelling
employed
 proportion it decreased from 40 to 35
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percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
between 1985 and 1990 before witnessing a considerable growth to around 55
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percent
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per cent
show examples
 in 2000 but
subsequently
Linking Words
 fell to just over 52
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percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
.
However
Linking Words
 in
korea
Change the capitalization
Korea
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, in 1985 20
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percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 of
women
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 were employed
then
Linking Words
 it rose steadily
untill
Correct your spelling
until
 it stood at 40
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 in 2000 .

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Vocabulary: Replace the words women, percent with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "compares" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "proportion" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "fell" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "stood" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 2 times.
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