IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Young people should spend more time on cultural activities such as music and theatre and less time on sport.

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People tend to believe that young people nowadays focus more on cultural
activities
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such
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 as
music
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 and theater, rather than
sports
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activities
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. From my perspective, I totally disagree with that statement for the following reasons. On the one hand, cultural
activities
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such
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 as
music
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 and
theater
Change the spelling
theatre
show examples
 are very important and popular in our lives. The reason is that symbols for traditional or modern culture always involve
music
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 and
theater
Change the spelling
theatre
show examples
.
For instance
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, many traditional songs or old stage plays are remixed to suit modern cultural interests.
However
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, physical
activities
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such
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 as
sports
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 outweigh entertainment
activities
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. The point is that doing exercise
also
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 brings many positive benefits to our lives.
This
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 is because
sports
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 make us move our bodies and practice for our health.
For example
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, playing
sports
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 with body movement
such
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 as basketball,
football
Correct word choice
and football
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, or going to the gym makes us release dopamine, which brings more creativity for us in other
activities
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.
That is
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 the reason why doing exercises is important for human life.
Moreover
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, to achieve the best results, young individuals should balance the priority between cultural and physical
activities
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.
This
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 leads to better
overall
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 well-being and abundant inspiration. We have so many artists who encounter troubles with their health because they prioritize their
music
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 life and forget to exercise. In conclusion, the young generation needs to clearly understand the importance of physical well-being.
Therefore
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, they should try to maintain a balance between both types of
activities
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.

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coherence and cohesion
Enhance the logical progression between your ideas by using more linking words and phrases. For instance, using 'Furthermore' or 'Moreover' can help connect your points better.
task achievement
Ensure that your main points are further supported with specific examples or statistics to bolster your arguments and make them more compelling.
coherence and cohesion
Consider rephrasing some sentences for clarity and grammatical accuracy, particularly in complex structures.
task achievement
The essay addresses the topic well and presents a clear opinion against prioritizing cultural activities over sports.
task achievement
The writing demonstrates a good understanding of the importance of balance between cultural and physical activities, presenting a thoughtful perspective.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Fostering creativity
  • Emotional intelligence
  • Enhance social skills
  • Promote cultural understanding
  • Overemphasis on sports
  • Risk of physical injury
  • One-dimensional view
  • Personal achievement
  • Balance
  • Cultural enrichment
  • Broad skills
  • Perspectives gained
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