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Writing Samples
Band 5

Experts say older people were happier and healteir in the past because they did more excercise and spent more time with family and friends, whereas many now suffer from loneliness and health problems. What are the causes of this and what are some solutions ?

There is no denying
in
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apply
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the fact that in the past
years
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years,
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 individuals were more cheerful and fit
due to
Linking Words
 regular workouts and quality family
time
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, in the present
times
Add a comma
times,
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 people go through isolation and
health
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 concerns. Two main factors which
contributes
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contribute
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 to
this
Linking Words
 problem are increased screen
time
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 and
sedentary
Correct article usage
a sedentary
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 lifestyle. Taking proper steps will help to reduce
this
Linking Words
. To commence with,
fisrtly
Correct your spelling
firstly
,
sedentary
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a sedentary
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 lifestyle is one of the most important
reason
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reasons
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. Nowadays, a large group of people spend their
time
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, sitting on their screens, either at
workplace
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the workplace
a workplace
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 or in their homes. To elaborate, office workers spend a huge chunk of
time
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in
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apply
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doing projects or other office work using computers.
Also
Linking Words
, children watch cartoons,
listen
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listen to
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 music or play games on their mobile phones in
leisure
Correct pronoun usage
their leisure
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times
Fix the agreement mistake
time
show examples
.
For example
Linking Words
, a survey
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
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conducted by university students shows that over 70% of children spend their
time
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 on mobile phones which results in causing solitude and obesity.
Thus
Linking Words
,
health
Use synonyms
 problems are
also
Linking Words
 increasing.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, one of the proposed solutions for solving the problems related to
the
Correct article usage
apply
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feeling
isolation
Replace the word
isolated
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 is to spend
time
Use synonyms
 with friends and family. No need to mention, spending
a
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apply
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quality
time
Use synonyms
 with loved ones and sharing our personal thoughts is very helpful in lifting up our mood and reducing anxiety.
For instance
Linking Words
,
a
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apply
show examples
research by scientists in 2020 shows that people who discuss everything with their partners are mentally and emotionally strong as compared to those who do not.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
continous
Correct your spelling
continuous
 sitting for long hours has an adverse impact on our
health
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. In order to reduce its side effects regular exercise is important. As it is helpful in reducing fat and keeping us healthy.
Also
Linking Words
, everyone
know
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knows
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 that
health
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 is wealth. So, we should exercise regularly. In conclusion, I would say that every problem has a solution. Modern lifestyle and increased screen
time
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 are the leading causes
for
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of
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 increasing social isolation and decreasing
health
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. Solutions like regular workouts and spending
time
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 with family are the most effective
solution
Fix the agreement mistake
solutions
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 to curb the
above mentioned
Add a hyphen
above-mentioned
show examples
 negative
consequesnces
Correct your spelling
consequences
due to
Linking Words
 technological innovations.

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coherence and cohesion
Ensure that your essay follows a clear and logical structure. Try to use more cohesive devices to connect your ideas smoothly.
task achievement
Provide more detailed explanations and examples to support your main points. This will make your argument stronger and more convincing.
language use
Make sure to check your spelling and grammar carefully. Small errors can affect the overall impression of your essay.
task achievement
You have identified relevant causes and solutions to the problem of loneliness and health issues among older people, showing a good understanding of the topic.
task achievement
You have included examples to illustrate your points, which is a good practice in essay writing.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary lifestyles
  • technological advancements
  • work culture
  • urbanization
  • geographical separation
  • mental health stigma
  • traditional family structures
  • intergenerational living
  • physical activity
  • social interactions
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