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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The pie graphs below show the result of a survey of children’s activities. The first graph shows the cultural and leisure activities that boys participate in, whereas the second graph shows the activities in which the girls participate. Write a report describing the information shown in the two pie graphs.

The pie graphs below show the result of a survey of children’s activities. The first graph shows the cultural and leisure activities that boys participate in, whereas the second graph shows the activities in which the girls participate. Write a report describing the information shown in the two pie graphs.
The given pie graphs
provides
Change the verb form
provide
show examples
 information with data about the different various
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
activities that
boys
Use synonyms
 and girls participate in .
Overall
Linking Words
, it is evident from the graph that there are variations in
number
Correct article usage
the number
show examples
Change preposition
of participate
show examples
participate
Replace the word
participants
show examples
 cylinders in cultural and leisure activities .
To begin
Linking Words
 with a detailed analysis, the graphs
illustrates
Change the verb form
illustrate
show examples
thet
Correct your spelling
that
 both genders participate in three similar activities, which are reading ,
play
Wrong verb form
playing
show examples
 games on
computer
Add an article
the computer
a computer
show examples
 and listening
music
Change preposition
to music
show examples
.
For example
Linking Words
, the higher percentage of participation
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 reading
class
Fix the agreement mistake
classes
show examples
 was for girls,which accounted for 21% ,
while
Linking Words
boys
Use synonyms
is
Wrong verb form
were
show examples
 solely 2%.
Additionally
Linking Words
,
participate
Replace the word
participation
show examples
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
computer games
witnesse
Correct your spelling
has
increase
Replace the word
increased
show examples
 by 34 per cent for men .
Finally
Linking Words
, listening
music
Change preposition
to music
show examples
 has
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 similar figure of participation 10% for both.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, just over a quarter of women enter dancing clubs .
Moreover
Linking Words
, 15% of girls participate
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 netball class and fewer of them share
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 GAM at about 11% .
In contrast
Linking Words
,
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 large number of
boys
Use synonyms
 collaborated in basketball
at
Change preposition
apply
show examples
26% ,
whereas
Linking Words
smaller
Correct article usage
a smaller
show examples
 of them participated
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 skateboarding,which was 11% and 17
boys
Use synonyms
 joined in the soccer game.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words boys with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "information" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "graphs" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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