IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The charts below describe 4 sectors of employment, in 2009 and 2020, in two towns. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The charts below describe 4 sectors of employment, in 2009 and 2020, in two towns. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
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The pie charts illustrate the proportions of
employees
Use synonyms
 attending
in
Change preposition
apply
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4 different departments of employment in 2009 and 2020, in two towns.
Overall
Linking Words
, in
this
Linking Words
 period, the two towns relied on different sectors of industrial structures. Manufacturing replaced engineering and became the dominant industry in
town
Use synonyms
 A,
while
Linking Words
town
Use synonyms
 B had a more balanced industrial development. In
town
Use synonyms
 A, in 2009, engineering was the major department with 60% of workers choosing
staying
Change the verb form
to stay
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 in it, followed by manufacturing accounting for 20%.
Moreover
Linking Words
, hospitality and teaching displayed similar rates at 11% and 9% respectively. By 2020, most
employees
Use synonyms
 were employed by manufacturing, at 60%, with a noticeable decrease
of
Change preposition
in
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 engineering to 17%.
Although
Linking Words
 the proportion of
hosipitality
Correct your spelling
hospitality
 rose to 15%, the figures
of
Change preposition
for
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 teaching dropped to 8%.
However
Linking Words
, in
town
Use synonyms
 B, the choices
making
Wrong verb form
made
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 by
employees
Use synonyms
 showed an
opppsite
Correct your spelling
opposite
 pattern in 2009. The percentage of manufacturing was the largest at 40%, and 30% of
Correct article usage
the workforces
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workforces
Fix the agreement mistake
workforce
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prefer
Wrong verb form
preferred
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 to
working
Wrong verb form
work
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at
Change preposition
in
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 engineering.
Additionally
Linking Words
, there was 15% of workers employed
by
Change preposition
in
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 hospitality and 10%
for
Change preposition
in
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 teaching. In the subsequent 11 years, the development of the four departments became more balanced. The percentage of engineering remained initial level, ranking
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
first,
Linking Words
but the rates of
employees
Use synonyms
 in manufacturing
fall
Replace the word
fell
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 to 25%.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the percentages of workers opting
hospitality
Change preposition
for hospitality
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 and teaching rose to the same, both at 20%.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "moreover".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words employees, town with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportions" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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