IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

Nowadays, a large
amount
Change the quantifier
number
show examples
 of
people
Use synonyms
 have
different
Change the article
a different
show examples
kind
Fix the agreement mistake
kinds
show examples
 of
healthy
Replace the word
health
show examples
ilness
Correct your spelling
illnesses
 and
one
Use synonyms
 of the main reasons
about
Change preposition
for
show examples
it
Correct pronoun usage
this
show examples
 is our
food
Use synonyms
. Specifically,
food
Use synonyms
 and drink have a lot of sugar and
this
Linking Words
 could be a risk for
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
show examples
. Some
people
Use synonyms
 think that the prices of cookies, chocolate and other
products
Use synonyms
 made with sugar should be more expensive but, in
this
Linking Words
 case, those
people
Use synonyms
 are not thinking
in
Change preposition
about
show examples
 the consequences of
this
Linking Words
 idea
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
which could be the main
problem
Use synonyms
. On
Use synonyms
one
Correct article usage
the one
show examples
 hand, a lot of
people
Use synonyms
prefer
Add the particle
prefer to
show examples
 eat and drink fast
food
Use synonyms
 because it is
more
Change the word
apply
show examples
cheaper than
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
healthy
food
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as
vegetable
Fix the agreement mistake
vegetables
show examples
 and
fruits
Fix the agreement mistake
fruit
show examples
.
For instance
Linking Words
, in
Chile
Add a comma
Chile,
show examples
one
Use synonyms
 cheese hamburger with coke could cost around 1 to 2 dollars,
in contrast
Linking Words
, a salad bowl is around 3 to 5 dollars. Eventually, if the sugary
products
Use synonyms
 increase their prices
this
Linking Words
 could be a big
problem
Use synonyms
 for society and
people
Use synonyms
 in poverty can not eat anything because they could not afford it.
Linking Words
Although
Correct word choice
However
show examples
, if the government made more expensive
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
sugary
products
Use synonyms
 they must
made
Change the verb form
make
show examples
more cheap
Correct word choice
cheaper
show examples
 fruits, vegetables and water.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, health problems are not only because the
food
Use synonyms
 and drinks have high levels of sugar. Around the world the
percentege
Correct your spelling
percentage
 of individuals with obesity
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
incresing
Correct your spelling
increasing
 year after year,
consequently
Linking Words
,
one
Use synonyms
 reason for
this
Linking Words
problem
Use synonyms
 is the
less hour
Fix the agreement mistake
fewer hours
show examples
 of exercises that society do.
In addition
Linking Words
, in Chile we do not have
Correct article usage
the rutines
show examples
rutines
Correct your spelling
routines
 to do exercises or sport in our jobs, even, in the
last
Linking Words
 five years the government has reduced the sports hours in our schools. For these reasons,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
obesity and health problems have been increasing in Chile and around the world. In conclusion, if
goverments
Correct your spelling
governments
government
should
Verb problem
apply
show examples
rise
Correct your spelling
raise
show examples
 the price of sugary
products
Use synonyms
this
Linking Words
 could be a big
problem
Use synonyms
 for the
most poor
Change the adjective
poorest
show examples
 part of society. Despite
this
Linking Words
 idea, governments and schools should make projects about the importance of sports and healthy
food
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, but the body paragraphs would benefit from clearer topic sentences to help guide the reader through your argument. Try to ensure each paragraph has a distinct point that supports your overall thesis.
task achievement
While you provide some examples, they are somewhat limited in scope. Expanding on your examples and incorporating more relevant details would strengthen your arguments and provide a clearer picture of your viewpoint.
grammar and language use
Pay attention to grammar and spelling, such as 'ilness' instead of 'illness' and 'percentege' instead of 'percentage.' Minor inaccuracies can detract from the professionalism of your writing.
content
The essay presents a balanced view by discussing both sides of the argument, which demonstrates critical thinking and an understanding of the complexity of the issue.
relevance
You provide specific examples from Chile that are relevant to your argument, helping to illustrate your points more concretely.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
What to do next:
Look at other essays: