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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Young people are often influenced in their behaviors by others in the same age group. Some argue that peer pressure is important while others feel it has distinct disadvantages. Do the disadvantages of peer pressure outweigh the advantages? (Anelya2)

Peer pressure is a key point that can shape young individuals' behaviours
while
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somebody
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some
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thinks
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think
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 that it has distinct drawbacks. The principal benefit of
this
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 trend is inspiration from others who in the same age, but the main
downsides
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downside
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 are lots of demands from parents.
That is
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 why, I think that the disadvantages of
this
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 pressure don'
t
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 outweigh the well advantages. On the one hand, one of the main upsides is that some teenagers can get inspiration from their peers.
That is
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 to say, age group pressure can motivate youngsters to achieve their goals and work hard to improve themselves in many aspects of their lives.
Moreover
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, by looking at other teenagers, the youths can inspired to study hard, take part in school competitions and develop their skills.
In addition
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, they
also
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 can have a certain lifestyle for their age and know what they should carry out.
For example
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,
according to
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 teachers from Harvard University, 70% of teens are encouraged to work hard, when they have motivation as peer influence.
On the other hand
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, one of the primary downsides is that teens become more demanding. It means that they start asking their parents for
alot
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a lot
 of items
such
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 as phones, clothes and travel because the youth want to be like other teenagers, who have
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this thing
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these things
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 with help from their wealthy parents.
Furthermore
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, teenage social influence can have the worst impact on minors
that
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because
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 they don'
t
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 want to do something by themselves to reach what they prefer.
Subsequently
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, it makes them feel anxious, lazy and stressed for the reason that teens can'
t
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 easily get
this
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 item.
For instance
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, Oxford's research estimated that 87% of young people feel anxiety if they can'
t
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 have something in an easy way. In conclusion, I think that the weaknesses don'
t
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 outweigh the strengths because the advantages have a better impact and motivation
whereas
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 the disadvantages can lead to a lot of demands.

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task achievement
While you presented some good ideas in your essay, make sure to elaborate more on each point. It would help to have a clearer explanation of your main arguments and how they connect to your thesis.
coherence and cohesion
Try to improve the transition between paragraphs. Using linking words and phrases can help to guide the reader through your arguments more smoothly.
coherence and cohesion
Be careful with grammar and vocabulary accuracy. There were some minor errors, such as 'alot' instead of 'a lot' and 'the well advantages' instead of 'the advantages'. Proper grammar will enhance your overall clarity.
task achievement
You have identified both the advantages and disadvantages of peer pressure, which shows a balanced understanding of the topic.
task achievement
The use of examples, such as the statistics from research studies, adds credibility to your arguments and encourages the reader to consider your points more deeply.
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