IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

These days young children spend a lot of time using computers, tablet and smartphones. Some people think that introducing children to technology at a young age is beneficial. Others believe that they would benefit more from traditional games. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your knowledge and experience.

There is no denying the fact that nowadays, the increase in
crime
Use synonyms
rate
Use synonyms
 in cities is a major concern for the government.
This
Linking Words
 essay will analyze and discuss the causes of
this
Linking Words
 increase and suggest
ways
Use synonyms
 to reduce
crime
Use synonyms
.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, one reason for the increase in
crime
Use synonyms
rate
Use synonyms
 is poverty, when
people
Use synonyms
 do not have enough money to buy things that they need, they might steal things to take what they need.Another reason is that many young
people
Use synonyms
 take
drugs
Use synonyms
 and alcohol which mostly leads to crimes like killing other
people
Use synonyms
 or stealing.
For example
Linking Words
,if
aan
Correct your spelling
an
 18-year-old boy takes
drugs
Use synonyms
 or alcohol daily, he might kill one of the
people
Use synonyms
 around him without paying attention.
In addition
Linking Words
 to that, many teenagers with low educational levels might commit crimes in order to find work or a better education. There are lots of
ways
Use synonyms
 and methods that can reduce the
crime
Use synonyms
rate
Use synonyms
 in cities,one way is offering support from governments to help
people
Use synonyms
 in need, so they will not steal things to have them. Another way is to treat
people
Use synonyms
 who take
drugs
Use synonyms
 or alcohol and let them know about the
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
show examples
 of it on their health and body and on society. Providing a good education system may have an effect on reducing the average of crimes. In conclusion, the
crime
Use synonyms
rate
Use synonyms
 in cities is increasing,
this
Linking Words
 is a major problem for governments. There are lots of reasons for that like poverty and taking
drugs
Use synonyms
.
As a result
Linking Words
, governments need to find
ways
Use synonyms
 to reduce that
rate
Use synonyms
, and these
ways
Use synonyms
 may include supporting
people
Use synonyms
 in need.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Provide clear examples to support your points more fully. You use some examples, but they could be more detailed.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to connect your ideas smoothly using linking words and phrases. This will help the reader follow your argument better.
coherence and cohesion
Try to separate your ideas into clearer paragraphs. Each paragraph should have one main idea, which can help your essay's flow.
task achievement
You have identified important reasons and solutions related to the crime rate, showing you understand the topic well.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion summarize your main points, which helps to frame your essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • educational apps
  • cognitive development
  • social skills
  • teamwork
  • collaborative games
  • adaptability
  • digital devices
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • health issues
  • obesity
  • imaginative play
  • creativity
  • emotional intelligence
  • pretend play
What to do next:
Look at other essays: