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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The chart below shows the number of trips made by children in one country in 1990 and 2010 to travel to and from school using different modes of transport. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The chart below shows the number of trips made by children in one country in 1990 and 2010 to travel to and from school using different modes of transport. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
THE BAR CHART PROVIDES KEY INFORMATION ABOUT
FIGURE
Fix the agreement mistake
FIGURES
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OF
Change preposition
FOR
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TRIPS
Use synonyms
 MADE BY KIDS AGED 5-12 DURING Change preposition BETWEEN It seems that
preposition
Correct article usage
the preposition
show examples
 use may be incorrect here. show examples 1990 AND 2010 TO TRAVEL TO AND SCHOOLS BY VARIOUS
TYBES
Correct your spelling
TYPES
 OF VEHICLES. THE UNITS ARE MEASURED IN
NUMBER
Correct article usage
THE NUMBER
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 OF
TRIPS
Use synonyms
 PER YEAR IN MILLIONS.
OVERALL
Linking Words
, IT IS CLEAR FROM THE GRAPH THAT WALKING IS THE HIGHEST USED IN 1990 WITH ACCOUNTED FOR 13
MILLIONS
Fix the agreement mistake
MILLION
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 OF
TRIPS
Use synonyms
.
IN ADDITION
Linking Words
, IN 1990 THE
TRIPS
Use synonyms
 OF ALL MODES
WAS
Correct subject-verb agreement
WERE
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 HIGHER, EXCEPT
CAR
Change preposition
FOR CAR
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PASSENGER
Fix the agreement mistake
PASSENGERS
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,
WHEREAS
Linking Words
 IN 2010
TRIPS
Use synonyms
WAS
Correct subject-verb agreement
WERE
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 LOWER.
ACCORDING TO
Linking Words
 WHAT IS SHOWN, CAR
PASSENGER
Fix the agreement mistake
PASSENGERS
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 IN 1990 APPROXIMATELY 4
TIPS
Use synonyms
.
WHILE
Linking Words
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 IN 2010 IT WAS 11
WICH
Correct your spelling
WHICH
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 IS
VERY
Correct article usage
A VERY
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 BIG FLOW. IN 2010 THE WALKING, CYCLING, WALKING AND BUS,
AND
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
BUS
ARE
Wrong verb form
WERE
show examples
 LESS THAN 6
TIPS
Use synonyms
EXCEPT
Add the preposition
EXCEPT FOR
show examples
 CAR
IT
Correct pronoun usage
WHICH
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 WAS 12. IN TERMS OF, 1990 HAS THE HIGHEST LEVELS OF
TIPS
Use synonyms
 ALL OF THEM MORE THAN 6
INCRASES
Correct your spelling
INCREASES
 MUCH IN
LAST
Linking Words
 YEARS WHICH MEANS HIGH ORDERING ON
TIPS
Use synonyms
.

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Basic structure: Use less body paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Change the second paragraph.
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Basic structure: Change the sixth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words trips, tips with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the ninth paragraph.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • trips
  • children
  • modes of transport
  • walk
  • cycle
  • public transport
  • drive
  • car
  • trends
  • decrease
  • increase
  • shift
  • convenient
  • comfortable
  • commuting
  • traffic congestion
  • safety concerns
  • significant
  • indicate
  • reasons
  • traffic congestion
  • safety concerns
  • 20-year period
  • doubled
  • considerable margin
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