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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people believe that the arts (such as music, literature, and theater) are more important than other subjects in schools. Do you agree or disagree?

There is no denying the fact that
arts
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 play a role in our lives.
While
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 it is a commonly held belief that, numerous human beings see
arts
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 it various is vital ,
whereas
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 other communities see matters , there is
also
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 an argument that opposes it. In my opinion, I consider that the
arts
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 become a source of income .
To begin
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 with, the concept of hobbies is crucial in the current era.
On the other hand
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, plenty of bodies use the
arts
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 for funding , which results the economic progress is vital.
In addition
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, parents must focus on developing their children's hobbies front of the future improving their lives and
also
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 their income.
For example
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, a study conducted in 2023 showed that almost 70 per cent of community jobs in the profession of
arts
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. Another point to consider, investing truthfully in various skills,
due to
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 the current transformation, which leads to overspending; there are many societies that focus on their hobby and become wealthy individuals.It is
also
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 possible to say that,must take action to develop their skills since work can be challenging;we can easily perform on what they love.
Moreover
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, a job with responsibility needs balanced time
such
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 as when someone does not like their love it, creates challenges in time management so,people should focus on developing t what love.
For instance
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,a study from Oxford University found that wealthy individuals often have a well-crafted identity. In conclusion, despite people having different views , I believe hobbies are an endless source of income ;the
arts
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 are
also
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 a great career because people enjoy their effort

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task achievement
Clarify the introduction to state your position more clearly. Instead of 'I consider that the arts become a source of income,' you might say 'I believe that the arts play a crucial role in society and should be prioritized in education.'
coherence cohesion
Improve logical flow by using clearer transitions between ideas. For example, phrases like 'On the other hand' can be replaced with 'Additionally' to help connect ideas more smoothly.
task achievement
Provide more precise examples to support your points. The mention of a study is good, but clarifying the nature of 'community jobs in the profession of arts' would strengthen your argument.
task achievement
You present a personal opinion, which is essential for the task, and you make connections between the arts and economic benefits, showing understanding of the topic.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • creativity
  • critical thinking
  • emotional intelligence
  • interpersonal skills
  • cultural awareness
  • enrich
  • well-rounded curriculum
  • cognitive development
  • emotional development
  • artistic talents
  • creative industries
  • integrating
  • enhance learning
  • historical events
  • mathematical patterns
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