IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information , such as their hobbies and interests , and whether they are married or single. Some people say that this information may be relevant and useful . Others disagree Discuss both views and give your own opnion

Nowadays, some
employers
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 ask
to
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apply
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candidates
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 for jobs for personal information
such
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 as their hobbies or if they are married or single.
This
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 essay will show us two groups of
people
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 who think differently. One
group
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 of
people
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 think that those kinds of
informations
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information
pieces of information
show examples
 are useful and absolutely relevant .
However
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, the second
group
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 think completely differently, so they disagree with the
first
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group
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. I want to strongly disagree with the
first
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group
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 because those
questions
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 are my privacy.
First
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 of all, The
First
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group
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 of
people
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 believe
questions
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 about gender, hobbies or if
candidates
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 are single or not have to be part of the interview.
These
Correct determiner usage
This
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 kind of
informations
Change the wording
information
pieces of information
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are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 really useful for
employeers
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employers
employees
because they can find
a
Correct article usage
the
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 right candidate for a specific
position
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.
For instance
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,
Correct article usage
an
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employer want to know if
woman
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the woman
a woman
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 who has a perfect resume and
she
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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is exactly candidate who can be on
the
Correct article usage
a
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 particular
position
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, is pregnant or not. So
employers
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 would like to know if
candidates
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 can work for their organisation
a
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for a
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long period.
Secondly
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, there are another
group
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 of
people
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 who strongly disagree about those kinds of
questions
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 because they think that these
questions
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 are absolutely irrelevant
for
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to
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 their interview.
Moreover
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, they agree that some of the
questions
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 are not for sharing so they do not understand why
employers
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 want to know what kind of hobbies they like or which party they voted for in the
last
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 election.
For example
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, Mr. Brown was not nominated for a particular
position
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 because he did not answer
in
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apply
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those
questions
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. In conclusion, I could agree with both groups on
this
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 particular topic.
However
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,
people
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 have to realize that some
questions
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 are really important to
employers
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.
On the other
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hand
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hand,
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employers
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 have to know that some
questions
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 are so fragile for their candidate and they do not wanna share some information with other
people
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.
Furthermore
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, these
kindskinds
Correct your spelling
kinds
 of
questions
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 help
to
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apply
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employers
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 find
a
Correct article usage
the
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 right
candidates
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 for their particular
position
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.

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coherence and cohesion
Improve the logical flow of your arguments by clearly outlining the views of each group and their rationale. Consider using transitional phrases to guide the reader through your points more smoothly.
task achievement
While you provided a reasonable conclusion, ensure that it succinctly summarizes your views and reiterates your stance on the topic, adding clarity to your final thoughts.
task achievement
Add more specific examples or anecdotes to support your arguments, which can make your points more persuasive and relatable for the reader.
task achievement
You have addressed both views on the topic, providing a good overview of the argument.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, framing your discussion well and giving the reader a sense of closure.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • employers
  • candidates
  • hobbies
  • interests
  • relevant
  • useful
  • marital status
  • cultural fit
  • team player
  • commitment
  • flexibility
  • discrimination
  • qualifications
  • experience
  • biases
  • hiring practices
  • dedicated
  • responsibilities
  • professional qualifications
  • fairness
What to do next:
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