IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

The percentage of overweight children in western countries has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the possible causes and effects of this disturbing trend and offer a solution.

In recent years, the number of overweight
children
Use synonyms
 has significantly increased in many
western
Capitalize word
Western
show examples
 countries. In my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
show examples
 the main causes for
this
Linking Words
 trend are poor eating habits and a lack of physical activity.
This
Linking Words
 essay will
also
Linking Words
 discuss the possible effects of it and explain what can be the most effective solution to solve
this
Linking Words
 issue. One of the biggest causes of obesity today is a growing
consumptation
Correct your spelling
consumption
 of unhealthy food.People often eat fast or processed food, which is high in calories, sugar and fat. These foods are cheap, easy to prepare and
moreovere
Correct your spelling
moreover
 widely accessible, which
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
 them more attractive than healthy meals. Another reason why more
children
Use synonyms
 are obese nowadays
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 is a sedentary lifestyle. Many young people spend most of their time in front of
screen
Add an article
the screen
a screen
show examples
,playing video games or scrolling social media,
instead
Linking Words
 of going out and being physically active.
For instance
Linking Words
, if a child is not involved in any sports, they will become
overweigt
Correct your spelling
overweight
 because of physical inactivity. One serious effect of obesity is poor health. Overweight individuals are more likely to suffer from diabetes and heart diseases, which can put
an
Remove the article
apply
show examples
extra pressure on
healthcare
Add an article
the healthcare
show examples
 system.
In addition
Linking Words
, obesity can
also
Linking Words
 affect
mental-well
Correct word choice
the mental
show examples
being
Correct your spelling
well-being
show examples
 of
children
Use synonyms
. Many obese teenagers may struggle with depression,
anxiety
Correct word choice
and anxiety
show examples
 and some of them may even face bullying at school, which can lead to
long term
Add a hyphen
long-term
show examples
 emotional issues. To tackle
this
Linking Words
 problem parents and schools need to work together. The most effective solution would be to increase the importance of
Correct article usage
a fitneess
show examples
fitneess
Correct your spelling
fitness
 healthy diet, by promoting physical activity and proper nutrition. In conclusion, obese
children
Use synonyms
 may suffer from many
illneses
Correct your spelling
illnesses
illness
, which can negatively affect their physical and mental
helath
Correct your spelling
health
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, it seems advisable to promote
healthy
Add an article
a healthy
show examples
 lifestyle among young people, because it will benefit the whole
society
Change preposition
of society
show examples
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
Expand on the effects and provide more specific examples related to the causes and effects of childhood obesity.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure all points follow a logical flow and improve transition phrases for better coherence.
General
Correct some minor grammatical and spelling errors to enhance overall clarity.
Task Achievement
Clear identification of the main causes of childhood obesity and an effective solution.
Coherence and Cohesion
Good structure with a clear introduction and conclusion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • nutritional value
  • screen time
  • socio-economic factors
  • chronic diseases
  • self-esteem
  • bullying
  • financial burden
  • promote healthy eating
  • physical activity
  • whole grains
  • education and awareness
  • policy and regulation
  • subsidies
  • fast food
  • obesity-related conditions
What to do next:
Look at other essays: