IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think learning history in school is important others think learning subjects more relevant to life is important discuss both views and give your opinion

There is no denying the fact that schools include a wide variety of
courses
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 nowadays, including science,
life
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 skills, art and physical education.
While
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 it is a commonly held belief that historical subjects are considered significant for general knowledge, there is
also
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 an argument that suggests concentrating more on
courses
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 that are related to
life
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.
This
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 essay will analyse
this
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 topic from both points of view and express my opinion. On one hand, historical subjects could benefit individuals in general and
students
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 to gain ambition and,
therefore
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, work harder and actively.
In other words
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, if the person saw an inspiring character from the past and was inspired by
this
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 historical character, they will perform better to achieve great achievements.
In addition
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, learning history is significant for knowing how certain traditions were made.
For example
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, Japan is famous for having the greatest Katana of all time, which is
due to
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 the old Japanese tradition in wars that relied on
the
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apply
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Katana swords as the main weapon for wars.
On the other hand
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,
courses
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 that focus more on
life
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 are essential for
life
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 development and for enhancing human skills. It is
also
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 possible to say that if
students
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 practice more on
the
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apply
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life
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 subjects like science
and
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apply
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math and physical education, it would improve their brain cells' performance and make them accommodate heavy tasks.
For instance
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, when
students
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 learn
the
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apply
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physical education, they will be aware of
the
Change the word
their
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body
Change noun form
body's
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 needs which will result in them taking care of their health,
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 will help them study better with focus. In conclusion, there are no easy answers to
this
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 question. On balance,
however
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, I tend to believe that both studies are important for making proper future workers, only if the institutions introduce these
courses
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 in a balanced way so that
students
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 do not get stressed from too much study.

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task achievement
Consider adding more specific examples to strengthen your arguments, particularly in supporting the claims made in each paragraph.
task achievement
Make sure to elaborate more on your points where necessary, as a few statements could be further expanded for clarity.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph clearly aligns with the central theme of the essay; this will enhance the overall coherence.
coherence and cohesion
Use a wider range of linking words to connect ideas between sentences and paragraphs for better flow.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction clearly presents both views and sets up the essay well, which is a strong start.
task achievement
The discussion around both sides of the argument is fairly balanced, demonstrating your understanding of the topic.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • historical events
  • insights
  • past civilizations
  • contextual understanding
  • critical thinking skills
  • cultural awareness
  • practical challenges
  • modern world
  • self-sufficiency
  • financial independence
  • creativity
  • innovation
  • balance
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