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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Many children are encouraged by their parents to get a part time job in their free time. What are the advantages and disadvantages to children of doing so?

There is no denying the fact that supporting kids to get part-
time
Use synonyms
 jobs has become a popular thing among people.
While
Linking Words
 it is a commonly held belief that encouraging kids to work is beneficial for them. There is
also
Linking Words
 an argument that working
children
Use synonyms
 in their free
time
Use synonyms
 will have negative effects in the future.
In
Change preposition
This
show examples
this
Linking Words
 essay will analyse
this
Linking Words
 topic from both points of view and express my opinion. ‏On one hand, many people believe that getting
children
Use synonyms
 part-
time
Use synonyms
 jobs will make them independent.
In other words
Linking Words
, students who used to work since childhood
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
can depend on themselves when they live alone or travel abroad.
In addition
Linking Words
, they can get skills of experience and make money because both skills are more important in their future.
For example
Linking Words
, students who have education with work experience are more lucky to get convenient jobs than others who do not
have
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
. ‏
On the other hand
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, some
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people believe that
children
Use synonyms
 should be focusing on their study than working because that will distract them during their studies.
Moreover
Linking Words
, free
time
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 for play and doing activities will help them back to studying with high energy and excitement.
For instance
Linking Words
, staying a long
time
Use synonyms
 at school and doing homework are boring for the kids but when they watch TV or play video games in their free hour that gives them energy and a sense of comfort. ‏In conclusion, there are no easy answers to
this
Linking Words
 question. On balance,
however
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, I tend to believe that free
time
Use synonyms
 for
children
Use synonyms
 to play and do hobbies is better than getting a job.

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task achievement
Make sure each main point is well-developed with examples and explanations.
coherence and cohesion
Try to have a clearer structure. Use more linking words to connect your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Improve your introduction and conclusion to better frame your argument.
task achievement
The essay presents both sides of the argument, showing a balanced view.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • responsibility
  • punctuality
  • work ethic
  • financial literacy
  • budgeting
  • time management
  • work experience
  • career prospects
  • independence
  • self-esteem
  • communication
  • interpersonal skills
  • academic responsibilities
  • school performance
  • hobbies
  • relaxation
  • well-being
  • stress
  • fatigue
  • premature adulthood
  • childhood experiences
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