IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In some places, teenagers are encouraged to get part-time jobs while they are still in school. Do the advantages of teenagers working outweigh the disadvantages?

There are different opinions
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on weather
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weather
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whether
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students
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 should experience part-
time
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jobs
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. Some claim that
students
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 should focus on their academic tasks only without
waste of
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wasting
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 their
time
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 and effort. Others believe that working is helpful to
students
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 because that experiences make them more sociable and they can develop their own talents.
This
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 essay
claim
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claims
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 that the latter view
outweigh
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outweighs
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 the former view. First of all, if
students
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 get
jobs
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 after school, it is true that
students
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 would spend their
time
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 on part-
time
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jobs
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instead
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 of studying. They have a lot of tasks in school
such
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 as homework, preparing
exams
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for exams
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,
reviewing
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and reviewing
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 their lectures for their academic achievement.
However
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, if they don’t spend enough
time
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on
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apply
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studying, they might get poor grades in their school.
For instance
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, many working
students
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 have consistently said that they need more
time
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 to study.
On the other hand
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, getting part-
time
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jobs
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 can help them to find their talents
besides
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 those of academic subjects. They can acquire opportunities to be aware of their potential ability and develop it.
For example
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, some researches show that people who worked when they were teenagers tend to be satisfied with their
job
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jobs
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 because they already considered their abilities earlier.
In addition
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, by experiencing various duties and situations which they have to encounter
at
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in
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 their
work spaces
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workspaces
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, they can learn social skills that would be necessary for their real life. It is not surprising that there are so many universities which consider unique experiences more important than academic performances when they admit freshmen. In conclusion, there are both advantages and disadvantages.
However
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, it seems obvious that the advantages of teenagers working outweigh the disadvantages in terms of their future and real life.

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task achievement
Make sure to clearly state your main idea in the introduction and use it to guide each paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear linking words between ideas and paragraphs to make the flow of your essay smoother.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your points, such as details about how part-time jobs help develop social skills.
task achievement
You presented both sides of the argument, which is important for this type of essay.
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion nicely summarizes your main point, reinforcing your view on the topic.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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