IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010
The graph displayed the number of
men
Use synonyms
 and
women
Use synonyms
 who live in Australia in six
age
Use synonyms
 categories
work
Wrong verb form
working
show examples
 out regularly in 2010. It can be clearly seen that Australian
women
Use synonyms
 had frequent physical activity higher than
men
Use synonyms
 in most
age
Use synonyms
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
groups
Use synonyms
, except the youngest
group
Use synonyms
.
In addition
Linking Words
, the youngest
men
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
 was the highest
group
Use synonyms
 who enjoyed doing exercise compared with other
Use synonyms
men
Correct your spelling
male
show examples
groups
Use synonyms
 in the year 2010. Looking first at the younger
women
Use synonyms
age
Use synonyms
groups
Use synonyms
, the rate of
women
Use synonyms
 who
doing
Wrong verb form
do
show examples
 exercise increased
according to
Linking Words
 their
age
Use synonyms
, 47,7 % in the youngest, 48,9% in the 25 to 34
group
Use synonyms
 and the
group
Use synonyms
 of 45 to 54 was the highest
group
Use synonyms
, accounting for 53,3%.
While
Linking Words
 the
Use synonyms
men
Correct your spelling
male
show examples
groups
Use synonyms
 showed a different pattern in the year.
Group
Use synonyms
 15 to 24 years old was 52.8% , and the percentage went down to 42.2% and 39.5% in
groups
Use synonyms
 25 to 34 and 35 to 44 respectively.
However
Linking Words
,
45
Correct article usage
the 45
show examples
 to 54
men
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
 went up to 43,1% in doing exercise and continued rising in
groups
Use synonyms
 55 and over, reaching 47.1%.
Whereas
Linking Words
, in the same
age
Use synonyms
,
women
Use synonyms
 tended to decrease their rate to do physical activity to 46.7% when they were 65 and over.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words men, women, age, groups, group with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "went down" was used 2 times.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Physical activity
  • Regular exercise
  • Age demographics
  • Participation rate
  • Trend analysis
  • Gender disparity
  • Health initiatives
  • Public health policies
  • Statistical comparison
  • Lifestyle choices
  • Work commitments
  • Age-related factors
  • Preventative health
  • Exercise habits
  • Surveillance data
  • Motivators and barriers
What to do next:
Look at other essays: