IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend and offer a solution.

Nowadays,
obesity
Use synonyms
 is one of the biggest problems
especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially
show examples
 in
western
Capitalize word
Western
show examples
 society.
According to
Linking Words
 some researchers, the percentage of overweight
children
Use synonyms
 in
western
Capitalize word
Western
show examples
 society has reached
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
almost 20% in the
last
Linking Words
 ten years.
This
Linking Words
 case threatens
children
Use synonyms
’s lives, and it should be solved.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss the causes and consequences of
this
Linking Words
 case, and it will
also
Linking Words
 try to find solutions. First of all, one of the biggest reasons that cause
obesity
Use synonyms
 is lack of movement. Today’s cities are complex and dangerous because of that
parents
Use synonyms
 do not prefer to let their
children
Use synonyms
 go out and play football, basketball or other things.
Parents
Use synonyms
 usually prefer to give their
children
Use synonyms
 technological devices to play games because it is safer than going outside.
However
Linking Words
, it causes
obesity
Use synonyms
 and heart disease that came from
obesity
Use synonyms
. To solve
this
Linking Words
 problem, the government should install new parks, tennis courts, football places, etc.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the government should provide
children
Use synonyms
’s safety when they play, walk and do something. To provide that, the authority can increase the number of police in
such
Linking Words
 places where
children
Use synonyms
 play.
Besides
Linking Words
, the authorities should
promote
Verb problem
encourage
show examples
parents
Use synonyms
 to allow their
children
Use synonyms
 to go outside and play by using social media or TV advertisements.
To sum up
Linking Words
, to prevent the increase of overweight
children
Use synonyms
 in future, authorities should take some measures. As far as I am concerned, one of the important measures is that the government should give
parents
Use synonyms
 a guarantee to protect their
children
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
The introduction is clear, but try to include a clear thesis statement that presents your main points.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words to connect your ideas better, for example, 'Additionally', 'Furthermore', or 'In conclusion'.
task achievement
Include more specific examples to support your points, such as statistics or studies related to childhood obesity.
structure
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
ideas
Some good suggestions for solutions are given, focusing on government actions.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • 1. Sedentary lifestyle
  • 2. Screen time
  • 3. Physical activity
  • 4. Fast food consumption
  • 5. Processed foods
  • 6. Nutritional requirements
  • 7. Self-esteem
  • 8. Social isolation
  • 9. Mental health issues
  • 10. Hypertension
  • 11. Respiratory issues
  • 12. Community programs
  • 13. Educational initiatives
  • 14. Government policies
  • 15. Advertisements targeting children
  • 16. Healthy eating habits
  • 17. Subsidies for healthy foods
  • 18. Overweight prevalence
  • 19. Convenience of processed foods
  • 20. Long-term effects
What to do next:
Look at other essays: