IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that schools should only teach children subjects which are beneficial to their future career and therefore other subjects such as music and sports are not important. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

There is a global debate about the importance of
art
Use synonyms
subjects
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 in the education system.
While
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 some claim that
students
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 should only learn the main essential
subjects
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, I firmly believe that
art
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subjects
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 have a unique ability to improve student academic performance across all
subjects
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 by serving as reducing stress and
provide
Wrong verb form
providing
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 several opportunities through exposure to multiple fields.
Firstly
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,
Art
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 education plays a significant role in enhancing
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students
Change noun form
students'
student's
show examples
 academic levels. Some schools follow a structural education system that only focuses on teaching core
subjects
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.
However
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,
Art
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 programs
such
Linking Words
 as
,
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apply
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music and sports enhance
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students
Change noun form
students'
student's
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 academic levels by reducing stress and anxiety. A 2022 study conducted by Harvard University highlighted that 56% of top-performing
students
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 attended school system support activities classes
such
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 as music and sports with 45% mentioning those classes as the primary motivation for academic success.
Secondly
Linking Words
,
art
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 programs serve as an investment in
Use synonyms
students
Change noun form
students'
student's
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 future by increasing skill range.
Although
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 core
subjects
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 strengthen
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students
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students'
student's
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 academic knowledge, arts expand the knowledge across all
subject
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subjects
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 leading to increasing career opportunities in different areas. Graduates with
art
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 skills tend to find great jobs compared to others
due to
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 their ability to work in different industrial fields,
according to
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 several research. In conclusion,
while
Linking Words
 core
subjects
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 contribute to building a strong academic background,
art
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 programs provide several advantages
such
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 as eliminating student stress
lead
Wrong verb form
leading
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 to higher academic performance and increasing job opportunities through gaining a variety of skills. The governments should encourage
students
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 to participate in sports and music classes from an early school age, which demonstrates a significant impact on
Use synonyms
students
Change noun form
students'
student's
show examples
 professional future.

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coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph clearly supports your main point. This will help with understanding.
coherence and cohesion
Add more links between ideas, like 'firstly', 'secondly', and 'finally', to guide the reader.
task achievement
Use simpler sentences for a clearer message.
task achievement
Include more specific examples to strengthen your arguments, for example, mention specific jobs related to arts.
content
Good introduction stating your position clearly.
content
Relevant sources to support your argument about art education.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • beneficial
  • career-oriented
  • subjects
  • creativity
  • teamwork
  • emotional well-being
  • cognitive abilities
  • discipline
  • practical skills
  • overall development
  • expose
  • informed choices
  • passionate career
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