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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some university students want to learn about other subjects, in addition to their main subjects. All this believe it is more important to give all their time and attention to studying for a qualification. discuss both these wheels and give your own opinion .

Whether
students
Use synonyms
 should focus on learning other
subjects
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 or seeking
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a
qualification
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. The writer of
this
Linking Words
 essay argues that
students
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 should enjoy other
subjects
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 as
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 can increase
the
Change the word
their
show examples
chance
Fix the agreement mistake
chances
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to be
Change preposition
of being
show examples
 employed. It is vital to understand how learning various
subjects
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 can help
students
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 to reduce the strain that they
are suffered
Wrong verb form
suffer
show examples
.
That is
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 to say, many
students
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 nowadays have a really
hetic
Correct your spelling
hectic
 schedule which is full of academic
subjects
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, making
have
Correct pronoun usage
them have
show examples
 less time to take a break which
casue
Correct your spelling
causes
 pressure.
Therefore
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, when
students
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 are allowed to learn additional
subjects
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, they can relax
themselves
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
after a
hard-working
Correct your spelling
hard working
show examples
 day.
According to
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 a record in US high school ,
students
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 were happier when they interacted with musical or historical
subjects
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, having more time to wind down.
By contrast
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, some believe that
students
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 should
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
pursue
for
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
a
qualification
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.
It
Correct pronoun usage
This
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 is
due to
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 the fact that many jobs these days
requires
Change the verb form
require
show examples
 a
qualification
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 before applying for the jobs. From that, the more qualifications they have, the higher
opportunitiy
Correct your spelling
opportunity
 they will have
a
Change preposition
for a
show examples
well-paid job.
However
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, some jobs now
don
Correct your spelling
do
show examples
 not need any
Use synonyms
qualification
Fix the agreement mistake
qualifications
show examples
, the only thing
the
Remove the article
apply
show examples
they are seeking is
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
experience,
moreover
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,
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qualification
Fix the agreement mistake
Qualifications
show examples
 can be bought, making
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 no longer valuable.
In
Change preposition
From
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 the writer's perspective,
students
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 should take an additional
subject
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 as it can help them to look for a future job. To put
simply
Correct pronoun usage
it simply
show examples
, many
students
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 nowadays are learning unawares, making them lose
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
track of life.
Hence
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, learning other
subjects
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 may help them find
out
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their favourite
subject
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, not following a tedious
subject
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that is
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 futile for them.
For example
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, many
students
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found
Wrong verb form
find
show examples
 out their
carrer
Correct your spelling
career
 path when interacting with
other
Change the wording
another subject
other subjects
show examples
subject
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 which they can have fun
as well as
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 enthusiastic feeling, making them perform brightly
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
life. In conclusion,
although
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 finding a
qualification
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 is crucial for their future employment,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
learning
other
Change the wording
another subject
other subjects
show examples
subject
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 not only
help
Change the verb form
helps
show examples
students
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 to relieve
but
Correct pronoun usage
themselves but
show examples
also
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increase
Correct subject-verb agreement
increases
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
job
oppertunities
Correct your spelling
opportunities
.

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coherence and cohesion
Make sure your main ideas are clearly stated and easy to understand. Each paragraph should have a clear point.
task achievement
Include more specific examples to support your ideas. This will help your arguments be stronger.
language
Improve your grammar and spelling. For example, 'hetic' should be 'hectic' and 'oppertunities' should be 'opportunities'.
task achievement
Make sure your introduction clearly states both sides of the argument. It's important to show that you understand both views.
task achievement
You have introduced the topic well and expressed a clear opinion.
task achievement
Some points you made, like the benefits of learning other subjects, are very relevant and important.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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