IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people say modern children's games do not develop a wide range of skills, while traditional games can be much better for developing such skills. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

There was a debate on whether or not modern
games
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 provide as wide
range
Correct article usage
a range
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 of
skills
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 as traditional
games
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.
This
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 essay strongly agrees with
this
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 notion because traditional
games
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 develop physical
skills
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as well as
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 improve communication
skills
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,
while
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 modern
games
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 are said to have the same effectiveness. It is vital to acknowledge that traditional
games
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 require
people
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 to use their
strength
Fix the agreement mistake
strengths
show examples
.
That is
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 to say, if
people
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 want to play traditional
games
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, they need to combine both thinking and physics to get the best performance.
This
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 will lead to the generation of
skills
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 which are related to
people
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's
strength
Fix the agreement mistake
strengths
show examples
.
As a result
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, traditional
games
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 help
people
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 develop physical
skills
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,
while
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people
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 who just sit in certain
place
Fix the agreement mistake
places
show examples
 to play modern
games
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 will not have. Another worth mention point from playing traditional
games
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 that it
connect
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connects
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people
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 together.
In other words
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, when playing traditional
games
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,
people
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 have to
expose
Wrong verb form
be exposed
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with
Change preposition
to
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 others which
create
Correct subject-verb agreement
creates
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 more opportunities for face-to-face interaction.
This
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 situation will develop
people
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's communication
skills
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such
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 as confidence.
Thus
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, soft
skills
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 which are fostered by traditional
games
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 will not exist when playing nowadays
games
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.
On the other hand
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, those
people
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 who prefer modern
games
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 often critic that
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 provide the same
skills
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 development as traditional
games
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. To put it simply, if humans play video
games
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,
wide
Add an article
a wide
show examples
 range of
skills
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such
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 as accuracy or concentration will be developed as much as when
people
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 play
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
traditional
one
Correct pronoun usage
ones
show examples
.
However
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, as long as
people
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 play modern
games
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, their physical health will have a negative
influenced
Replace the word
influence
show examples
 not only when they
expose
Wrong verb form
are exposed
show examples
 to electronic light from devices but
also
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 when they take a certain location to play for long hours. In conclusion,
although
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 modern
games
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 may enhance necessary soft
skills
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 as traditional
games
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, physical
as well as
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 communication
skills
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 appear only when
people
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 participate in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
older
games
Use synonyms
.

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coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea and supports it with examples.
task achievement
Include more specific examples to support your points about traditional and modern games.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer sentences and connect ideas better between paragraphs.
task achievement
You have a clear opinion on the topic and express it in your introduction.
task achievement
Your essay has some valid points about traditional games and their benefits.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • cognitive development
  • motor skills
  • social interactions
  • strategic thinking
  • interpersonal skills
  • repetitive actions
  • digital interaction
  • real-world scenarios
  • educational content
  • traditional vs. modern
  • physical activity
  • screen time
  • creativity
  • intellectual challenge
  • health implications
What to do next:
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