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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The chart below shows the different levels of post-school qualifications in Australia and the proportion of men and women who held them in 1999.

The chart below shows the different levels of post-school qualifications in Australia and the proportion of men and women who held them in 1999.
The line graph illustrates the percentage of
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 and
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 who held various levels of post-school qualifications in Australia during 1999.
Overall
Linking Words
,the figures of post-school qualifications of males were higher than
females’
Check wording
females
show examples
 in 1999,with
dramatic
Correct article usage
a dramatic
show examples
rose
Replace the word
rise
show examples
 in the
proportion
Use synonyms
 of males
skilled
Change preposition
with skilled
show examples
 vocational
Use synonyms
diploma
Fix the agreement mistake
diplomas
show examples
around
Change preposition
to around
show examples
 90%.
By contrast
Linking Words
, females undergraduate
diploma
Use synonyms
 was greatly higher than
males’
Check wording
males
show examples
,reaching about 70%. Looking at the information in more
detaiI
Correct your spelling
detail
,for
undergraduate
Correct article usage
the undergraduate
show examples
diploma
Use synonyms
,the
rate
Use synonyms
 of females was 70%,
while
Linking Words
 males’
rate
Use synonyms
 stood at 35%,roughly lower
than
Correct word choice
that
show examples
Change preposition
of females’
show examples
females’
Check wording
females
show examples
double
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
.
In addition
Linking Words
,for
Bachelor’s
Correct article usage
the Bachelor’s
show examples
 degree ,the
figure
Fix the agreement mistake
figures
show examples
 for females and males were almost similar,women’s
rate
Use synonyms
 was 55%,and men’s
proportion
Use synonyms
 was 45%.
However
Linking Words
,there are three qualifications
males’
Rephrase
where males’
show examples
 rates were higher than females’.The
males’
Check wording
apply
show examples
proportion
Use synonyms
 of skilled vocational
Use synonyms
diploma
Fix the agreement mistake
diplomas
show examples
 (90 %) was higher than
females’
Check wording
females
show examples
(10%).The
rate
Use synonyms
 of postgraduate
Use synonyms
diploma
Fix the agreement mistake
diplomas
show examples
respectively
Rephrase
apply
show examples
were
Correct subject-verb agreement
was
show examples
 70% and 30%.The gap of master’s degree
proportion
Use synonyms
 between
women’
Check wording
women
show examples
 and men
’
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 smaller than
other
Correct article usage
the other
show examples
 two rates,the figures
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 women were 40%,and
men’s
Change preposition
for men
show examples
 were 60%

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words females’, proportion, diploma, males’, rate with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 4 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • post-school qualifications
  • proportion
  • bachelor degrees
  • vocational diplomas
  • certificates
  • gender divide
  • educational trends
  • higher education
  • qualifications
  • disparities
  • predominantly
  • patterns
  • trends
  • illustrates
  • distribution
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