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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The chart below shows the different levels of post-school qualifications in Australia and the proportion of men and women who held them in 1999.

The chart below shows the different levels of post-school qualifications in Australia and the proportion of men and women who held them in 1999.
The bar graph
illustrate
Correct subject-verb agreement
illustrates
show examples
 the percentage of people
held
Wrong verb form
holding
show examples
 various levels of post-school qualification by gender in Australia in
Correct article usage
the year1999
show examples
year1999
Correct your spelling
year 1999
.
Overall
Linking Words
,
In
Fix capitalization
in
show examples
 1999, More
males
Use synonyms
 held basic
Use synonyms
diploma
Fix the agreement mistake
diplomas
show examples
,
for
Linking Words
instance
Punctuation problem
instance,
show examples
 skilled vocational
Use synonyms
diploma
Fix the agreement mistake
diplomas
show examples
or
Punctuation problem
, or
show examples
 they held higher levels of post-school qualifications,
such
Linking Words
 as postgraduate
Use synonyms
diploma
Fix the agreement mistake
diplomas
show examples
 or master’s
Use synonyms
degree
Fix the agreement mistake
degrees
show examples
,
while
Linking Words
females
Use synonyms
account
Wrong verb form
accounted
show examples
 for the majority in holding Bachelor's
Use synonyms
degree
Fix the agreement mistake
degrees
show examples
Postgraduate
Correct word choice
and Postgraduate
show examples
Use synonyms
diploma
Fix the agreement mistake
diplomas
show examples
. The proportion of
males
Use synonyms
 who held
skilled
Correct article usage
a skilled
show examples
 vocational
diploma
Use synonyms
 was roughly 95% during 1999, much more than 15% for
females
Use synonyms
.
Similarly
Linking Words
,
males
Use synonyms
 constituted the largest segment of postgraduate
Use synonyms
diploma
Fix the agreement mistake
diplomas
show examples
, with 70% ,
while
Linking Words
females
Use synonyms
 accounted for just over 30% postgraduate
Use synonyms
diploma
Fix the agreement mistake
diplomas
show examples
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 was half of the data for
males
Use synonyms
 . The percentage of
males
Use synonyms
 who held master’s
Use synonyms
degree
Fix the agreement mistake
degrees
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 was 60% and the data for
females
Use synonyms
 was 40% at that time.
Conversely
Linking Words
,
females
Use synonyms
 dominated the distribution in undergraduate
Use synonyms
diploma
Fix the agreement mistake
diplomas
show examples
 and bachelor’s
Use synonyms
degree
Fix the agreement mistake
degrees
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, at over 70% and 55% respectively in 1999.
Males
Use synonyms
 held 45% undergraduate
Use synonyms
diploma
Fix the agreement mistake
diplomas
show examples
 and below 50% bachelor’s
Use synonyms
degree
Fix the agreement mistake
degrees
show examples
 during
this
Linking Words
 period.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words males, diploma, degree, females with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "data" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • post-school qualifications
  • proportion
  • bachelor degrees
  • vocational diplomas
  • certificates
  • gender divide
  • educational trends
  • higher education
  • qualifications
  • disparities
  • predominantly
  • patterns
  • trends
  • illustrates
  • distribution
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