IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last years. Discuss the causes and effect of this issue disturbing trend.

There is a famous
problem
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 in some countries
that is
Linking Words
 obesity in
children
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 and
this
Linking Words
issue
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 will increase year by year. The primary cause of
this
Linking Words
problem
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 is junk
food
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, to solve
this
Linking Words
problem
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 must educate
parents
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 about the dangers of fast
food
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 for
children
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. Some countries especially in North America, have the
issue
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 of overweight
children
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, which is a huge
problem
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, and because of negligent
parents
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, they do not have time to make
food
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 for their
children
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 maybe because they
west
Verb problem
waste
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 all
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 time in their
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
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 and they just purchase for their fast
food
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, like McDonald’s,
Also
Linking Words
 they do not care in their kids,
however
Linking Words
, that will result in increase in obesity for
children
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, they can not walk for a long time or they feel lazy and tired.
For example
Linking Words
, in Saudi Arabia, there is an increase in obese kids by 30%, and health institutions are trying to educate
parents
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 about
this
Linking Words
issue
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. To solve
this
Linking Words
issue
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 of overweight
children
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, we must educate
parents
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 by advertising on social media how fast
food
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 will affect their
children
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, and they must make
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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healthy
food
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, and tax fast
food
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 restaurants, and
then
Linking Words
 the
parents
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 will avoid buying for
children
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,
for instance
Linking Words
, in Saudi
Arabia
Add a comma
Arabia,
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 they will decrease in obesity
children
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 by 10% in the
last
Linking Words
 year
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 because they learning the
children
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 and
parents
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 about dangers fast
food
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 in health. In conclusion, we must care for our kids by creating for them healthy
food
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 and not buying them fast
food
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 for
healthy
Add an article
a healthy
show examples
 life. And learn about the dangers of junk
food
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 and try to reduce it.

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task achievement
Make sure to clearly state your main point in the introduction. It helps readers understand what to expect.
coherence and cohesion
Use more linking words to connect your ideas for better flow. For instance, use 'firstly', 'next', or 'in addition'.
task achievement
Try to provide more specific examples. This will make your argument stronger. Instead of just mentioning Saudi Arabia, explain what specific actions were taken.
task achievement
Your essay highlights the importance of educating parents, which is a good point to address the issue.
task achievement
You effectively acknowledge the role of fast food in increasing obesity, which is central to the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • public health concern
  • sedentary behavior
  • high-calorie, low-nutrient
  • processed foods
  • physical activity
  • genetic predispositions
  • type 2 diabetes
  • cardiovascular diseases
  • psychological issues
  • low self-esteem
  • depression
  • social and economic effects
  • healthcare systems
  • life expectancy
  • academic performance
  • future productivity
  • public health campaigns
  • food industry practices
  • nutrition
  • lifestyle choices
What to do next:
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