IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people say that teenagers should work part-time and earn money. This way they will learn basic lessons about work and become more disciplined. Other argue that teenagers shouldn’t sacrifice their rest and after-school activities to work. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

People have different views on whether teenagers should do part-time jobs to earn money, through which they can learn basic manners and discipline, or focus on other important activities,
such
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 as spending time with friends and relaxing,
instead
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 of giving up their free time to
work
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.
This
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 essay will explain both views with suitable explanations and examples,
along with
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 my point of view. The principal cause behind the thinking that teenagers should engage in
work
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 to get paid is to stay busy
in
Change preposition
with
show examples
 good activities;
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
according to
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 some parents, if their children play with others and have enough free time,
then
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 they might become a part of a bad circle and adopt some bad habits
such
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 as drug or alcohol consumption;
conversely
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, engaging in
work
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 is a beneficial
opportunitiy
Correct your spelling
opportunity
 for them to become responsible and nurture their talents and learn new skills which will be helpful for their future.
For example
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, by comparing Canada and India, it can be observed that the youngsters of Canada have more skills and are more independent,
whereas
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 the Indians need their parents to make any decision because of the lack of real-life experience. Moving
further
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, on the other side, opponents believe that by involving themselves in part-time
work
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, children lose their chances of other activities and rest
due to
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 several reasons, the first and foremost being hectic schedules. To explain, students already have academic pressure from a plethora of subjects
such
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 as math, English, environmental studies, social science, communication, and so on; so, part-time
work
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 not only makes them unable to enjoy their life but
also
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increase
Correct subject-verb agreement
increases
show examples
 working and study pressure, which results in mental illness, stress and tension headache.
For instance
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,
last
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 year, when I moved from India to Canada, I started
work
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 as an office assistant with my studies, and
then
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 just after a few months, I developed a bad headache, and later the doctor confirmed that it was because of tension and stress.
To conclude
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, I opine that it is the youth's own choice whether they want to
work
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 or not because everyone is not the same; some people can handle the burden of both,
while
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 some cannot. So it has advantages for their health and studies if they take some rest rather than doing
work
Use synonyms
.

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coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea and that the ideas flow smoothly from one to the next. Use linking words like 'firstly', 'however', and 'in addition' to help the reader follow your points more easily.
task response
Try to present more detailed examples and explain how they support your ideas. For example, develop your points about the skills teenagers can learn through work or the impact of stress on their health.
task response
The essay covers both views, which is important for this type of question. You also give a personal example, which can make your argument stronger.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Part-time job
  • Financial literacy
  • Work ethic
  • Discipline
  • Job market
  • Academic performance
  • Extracurricular activities
  • Labor laws
  • Work-life balance
  • Skill development
  • Monetary independence
  • Career prospects
  • Time management
  • Peer pressure
  • Rest and recreation
  • Minimum wage
  • Skillset enhancement
  • Self-sufficiency
  • Personal growth
  • Adolescent development
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