IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The availability of entertainment such as video games on handheld devices is harmful to individuals and to the society they live in.

Nowadays handheld devices for
video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 are very popular not only for teenagers
,
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apply
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 but
for
Rephrase
also for
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middle-aged
Correct article usage
the middle-aged
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also
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. Some people think that it's not only unhealthy but
also
Linking Words
 dangerous for our generation.
This
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 essay will explain my point of view on
video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 and how it's causing problems. In recent years
video
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games
Use synonyms
 have improved and become more and more realistic. It's been known that
video
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games
Use synonyms
for
Change preposition
apply
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every year are the best way to leave
real
Add an article
the real
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 world for a
while
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 and
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
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not think about daily life problems.
For instance
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, scientists made up new
technologies
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technology
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 called VR
helmet
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helmets
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 that could
elavate
Correct your spelling
enhance
 your dopamine level by giving you various types of
games
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 or films in 3d its look realistic when you wearing VR glasses,
you
Correct word choice
and you
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 could probably stay for hours playing
games
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 or watching some films, its can help to distract for a
while
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 from the real world.
Finally
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, I explained all the benefits of VR helmets and how they can improve your life only by playing and just
chill
Wrong verb form
chilling
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.
Furthermore
Linking Words
video
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games
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 on handheld devices not only distract you from
real
Add an article
the real
show examples
 world
,
Add the word(s)
, but
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you can
also
Linking Words
 waste your time by playing and
rest
Wrong verb form
resting
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 your
brain
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while
Linking Words
 you are driving or you
just
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are just
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 tired from something boring that's surrounding you.
Video
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games
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 give your
brain
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 some
plessure
Correct your spelling
pleasure
 by removing stress from hormones by giving you that dopamine level high, the reason is that when you are achieving easy goals in the game your
brain
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 take
thats
Correct your spelling
that
 action as a pleasure that you achieved some goals. But it can become like a drug. In
summary
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summary,
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 I would prefer to say that we need that kind of distraction in our life for some time,
cause
Correct word choice
because
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 it's really vital to give your
brain
Use synonyms
 some rest by playing
video
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games
Use synonyms
,
also
Linking Words
 handheld
its
Correct your spelling
is
show examples
 convenient to carry with you.

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task achievement
Your introduction is clear, but the thesis statement could be stronger. Mention both the positive and negative sides of video games right away.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea that supports your argument. Sometimes your points seem disconnected.
task achievement
Try to include specific examples or studies to back up your claims. This will make your points stronger and clearer.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion should summarize the main points more clearly and reinforce your opinion. It feels a bit rushed now.
task achievement
You mentioned new technology like VR helmets, which is a relevant and interesting point.
task achievement
You have a clear position in your essay, which is important for the task.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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