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Band 4.5

Teaching art in schools also improves students' performance in other subjects, because it is easier for multi-skilled students to learn new things. That's why art should be obligatory in schools. Do you agree or disagree?

These days, most
of
Change preposition
apply
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schoos
Correct your spelling
schools
 teach
art
Use synonyms
 in their classroom
for enhancing
Change preposition
to enhance
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 the
perfomance
Correct your spelling
performance
 of other
subjects
Use synonyms
 with the reason is
that
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
art
Use synonyms
 is beneficial to become multi-skilled people to
study
Use synonyms
 new things.
While
Linking Words
 some argue that
art
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 is not a broad interest
within
Change preposition
among
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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students
Use synonyms
, some believe that
art
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 has a significant impact on our intelligence to absorb something new. In my opinion, I strongly think that
art
Use synonyms
 is a beneficial way to improve the multi-skill. On the one hand, there is
not
Correct your spelling
no
show examples
 effect on
broad
Add an article
a broad
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 range of
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
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.
This
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 is because there are few
students
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that
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 are interested in studying arts. It means that most
of
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apply
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people don't want to
study
Use synonyms
 arts in their classroom. These
students
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 usually don't focus on
art
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 class
due to
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 a lack of interest in
art
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.
Also
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, Korea's
art
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 education system is about
to
Change the verb form
studying
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study
Use synonyms
priciple
Correct your spelling
principles
instead
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 of working and drawing together. It makes
students
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 especially
highschool
Correct your spelling
high school
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studets
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students
 feel
same
Add an article
the same
show examples
 way
to
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about
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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classical and difficult
subjects
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.
In addition
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, the worst consequence of it is becoming more boring and disliking
about
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apply
show examples
the
art
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 a lack of
interests
Fix the agreement mistake
interest
show examples
. It led
students
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 can not develop learning new things.
On the other hand
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, it is
advantages
Replace the word
advantageous
show examples
improving
Change the verb form
to improve
show examples
 personal
knowlege
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knowledge
 and potential. If the person can know about
art
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 in
there
Replace the word
their
show examples
 classroom.
They
Correct pronoun usage
It
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 can become
more
Change the word
apply
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easier to
study
Use synonyms
other subject
Change the wording
another subject
other subjects
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such
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 as history. Studying
art
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 is
also
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 studying history,
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 means
art
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 has a broad impact on history.
Furthermore
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,
art
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 has
an
Change the article
the
show examples
 ability to keep and enhance our
creativy
Correct your spelling
creativity
 that cannot enhance studying other
subjects
Use synonyms
. People can think what the shape,
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and color
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color
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colour
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 of the structures and might
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
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understand and imagine something about the things that they want to describe. It can make their own creativity,
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finally
Correct word choice
and finally
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, it
make
Change the verb form
makes
show examples
 a consequence that learn more easier to
study
Use synonyms
 other
subjects
Use synonyms
. It
emphasize
Change the verb form
emphasizes
show examples
 the capacity
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
how to
study
Use synonyms
 well-organized and effectively. In conclusion,
while
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 it has a lack of interest
with
Change preposition
in
show examples
art
Use synonyms
 that can
overcome
Add a missing verb
be overcome
show examples
, there is a significant impact to
Use synonyms
study with
Wrong verb form
studying
show examples
 the aspect of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
creativity.
Therfore
Correct your spelling
Therefore
, I agree that teaching
art
Use synonyms
 in school is a method to make multi-skilled
students
Use synonyms
.

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task achievement
There are some unclear points in your opinion. Make sure to clearly state your main idea in the introduction.
coherence and cohesion
Try to link your sentences and ideas more clearly. Use simple connecting words like 'first', 'next', 'also', and 'in conclusion'.
task achievement
Your examples need to be more specific and clear. Try to give clear examples to support your points.
coherence and cohesion
Check for spelling and grammar mistakes. This will make your essay easier to read and understand.
task achievement
You have a clear opinion about the topic, which is good.
coherence and cohesion
You mentioned both sides of the argument, which shows you understand the topic well.
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