IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some People believe that it is the responsibility of the individuals to take care of their own health.Others believe that government should make sure that their citizen are healthy. discuss both views

It is argued
by
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apply
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some individuals that
people
Use synonyms
 are responsible for their
health
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while
Linking Words
 others believe that the
government
Use synonyms
 is obliged to ensure the healthy lives of the citizens.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss both views in detail with supportive arguments in the upcoming paragraphs. To commence with,
people
Use synonyms
owe
Verb problem
are
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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responsibilty
Correct your spelling
responsible
of
Change preposition
for
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 their
health
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 because they are the
one
Correct pronoun usage
ones
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 who choose their lifestyle.
In other words
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, every person who is capable of making decisions is aware of whether the food they are consuming is healthy or unhealthy.
People
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 make choices by themselves of what they consume.
For example
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, a survey conducted in Delhi illustrated that despite restrictions on the consumption of alcohol,
people
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 are consuming it in excess quantity which leads to a detrimental impact on their
health
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.
Additionally
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,
people
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 should engage in physical activities and workouts which will make their body fit. Though, there are several gyms and parks,
but
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apply
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people
Use synonyms
 do not utilise them.
Therefore
Linking Words
, it is the duty of the consumers to be accountable for their
health
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 and body and should choose the lifestyle which will improve their physical and mental well-being.
On the other hand
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, it is suggested by a part of the population that the
government
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 should control the consumption of harmful and unhealthy items through restrictive policies.
Government
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 has some obligations towards their citizens and their
health
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 and the official bodies should ensure the well-being of their natives by banning and restricting the trade of unhealthy drinks and beverages.
Additionally
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, the authorities can
also
Linking Words
 ensure the
health
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 of the individuals by providing access to a qualitative and affordable healthcare system. The
government
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 can construct medicals and hospitals in every part of the nation so that the communities can reach them whenever they need
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
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.
To conclude
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, both individuals and the
government
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 are responsible for the
health
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 of the citizens but the
government
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 can only initiate by providing resources, the responsibility lies in the hands of the
people
Use synonyms
 who choose to utilise them appropriately.

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task achievement
Make sure to clearly state your opinion if the question asks for it.
coherence and cohesion
Try to use more linking words to connect your ideas and paragraphs.
task achievement
Provide clearer examples that directly support your points for better clarity.
content
The essay discusses both views clearly, presenting good arguments.
structure
There is a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps guide the reader.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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