IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

It was common in the past for people to retire at 60. Now more and more people are choosing to continue working past the official retirement age, with some countries even increasing the official age of retirement. Do you agree or disagree with this change? Why?

Increasment
Correct your spelling
Increase
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the retirement age is a huge problem in our society, especially when
huge
Correct article usage
a huge
show examples
 part of modern demographics are slowly dying
baby-boomers
Use the right word
baby boomers
show examples
.
Throught
Correct your spelling
Throughout
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
history a human life was seen
short
Change preposition
as short
show examples
 and bright
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 used to
work
Use synonyms
 since their childhood and until death. In
medieval
Correct article usage
the medieval
show examples
era
Add a comma
era,
show examples
 there was no problem with dementia or cancer, because
people
Use synonyms
tend
Wrong verb form
tended
show examples
 to die in their 40s-50s
due to
Linking Words
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of medication. 20 century gave us
opportunity
Correct article usage
the opportunity
show examples
 to live for 100 years. How
we should
Correct word order
should we
show examples
 spend
this
Linking Words
 amount of time? Capitalists have their answer -
work
Use synonyms
. The problem with
labour
Correct article usage
the labour
show examples
 of
Correct article usage
the elders
show examples
elders
Replace the word
elderly
show examples
 can cause some
crutial
Correct your spelling
crucial
economical
Correct word choice
economic
show examples
 and social issues. As an example, we see that in Finland
these
Use the right word
there
show examples
 is a high
unemployement
Correct your spelling
unemployment
-
Punctuation problem
,
show examples
 and one of its reasons is that
people
Use synonyms
 refuse to retire. More than half of the
working places
Use the right word
workplaces
show examples
 are occupied by
people
Use synonyms
 who have more
that
Correct word choice
than
show examples
 20 years of working experience. It creates unrealistic demand on the labour market, as employers
excpect
Correct your spelling
expect
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
overqualified employees even for a starter
positions
Fix the agreement mistake
position
show examples
 - on
clean
Replace the word
cleaning
show examples
 service
Correct your spelling
vacancies
vacancees
Punctuation problem
vacancees,
show examples
 is
needed
Wrong verb form
needs
show examples
 to have
form
Check wording
apply
show examples
1 to 3 years of experience and own
car
Correct article usage
a car
show examples
. When
people
Use synonyms
refuce
Correct your spelling
refuse
 to
retire
Punctuation problem
retire,
show examples
 they can cause harm not only to their bodies, they holding a place where a newcomer can gain qualification and let the
ecomomy
Correct your spelling
economy
 do another spin.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, there is no other motivation for
work
Use synonyms
 but money in our world, and
its
Use the right word
it's
show examples
 pretty much understandable from their side to want to continue working to be able to keep their health (more expensive year by year) and have an opportunity to still have some control. Elders know what is waiting for them after they quit
job
Correct pronoun usage
their job
show examples
 - low-income and
Correct article usage
a low-quality
show examples
low-quality
Use the right word
low quality
show examples
 of life. From my perspective, there
is
Verb problem
apply
show examples
shouldn't be an
increasment
Correct your spelling
increase
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 retirement age, because
capitalistic
Correct article usage
the capitalistic
show examples
 economic system we live in
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
enought
Correct your spelling
enough
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
production
powers
Fix the agreement mistake
power
show examples
 to
fulfill
Use the right word
fulfil
show examples
basic
Correct article usage
the basic
show examples
 needs of (I believe all) almost all
people
Use synonyms
 in the world, but creates
Linking Words
this
Correct determiner usage
an
show examples
 artificial deficit of products and goods. So there is no need to let
people
Use synonyms
 stay on their jobs until death, the focus should be on ways to provide working places for long-term job seekers and youngsters, as those groups can
economicaly
Correct your spelling
economically
 create a stable
economical
Correct word choice
economic
show examples
 state where
people
Use synonyms
 shouldn't
work
Use synonyms
 to have a fair, high-quality life after retirement.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

structure
State your view clearly in the first line and restate it in the end.
coherence
Link ideas with simple words and sign posts like 'first', 'also', 'but', 'however'.
language
Fix spelling and grammar that block meaning, and use only simple form.
content
Give one easy example for each idea to back it up.
content
The writer does show a clear view about retirement age.
structure
Some good reasons are given and the idea to avoid long work life is clear.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • retirement age
  • life expectancy
  • economic necessity
  • financial insecurity
  • aging population
  • workforce diversity
  • knowledge transfer
  • cognitive benefits
  • age discrimination
  • physical capability
What to do next:
Look at other essays: