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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The charts below show the percentage of the day working adults spent doing different activities in a particular country in 1958 and 2008.

The charts below show the percentage of the day working adults spent doing different activities in a particular country in 1958 and 2008.
These pie charts illustrate the
percentage
Use synonyms
 of employees who distributed their
day
Correct your spelling
daytime
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time
Use synonyms
to involve
Change the verb form
involved
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 in different activities in a particular country in 1958 and 2008.
Overall
Linking Words
,
time
Use synonyms
 spent on working was by far the largest proportion in
two
Correct article usage
the two
show examples
 years mentioned.
Conversely
Linking Words
, in 1958,
Use synonyms
percentage
Correct article usage
the percentage
show examples
 of commuting
time
Use synonyms
 was notably small,
while
Linking Words
 in 2008,
proportion
Add an article
the proportion
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 of spare
time
Use synonyms
 to hang out with friends or family was minimal.
To begin
Linking Words
 with,
Use synonyms
percentage
Correct article usage
the percentage
show examples
 of working stood out in both 1958 and 2008, representing 33% and 42%,
while
Linking Words
sleeping
Correct article usage
the sleeping
show examples
 section followed closely behind, making up 32% in 1958 and 25% in 2008. In stack contrast,
time
Use synonyms
 spent on both
traveling
Change the spelling
travelling
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 to work and going out part claimed the least portions, contributing no more than 8% throughout the two years.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
,
Use synonyms
percentage
Correct article usage
the percentage
show examples
 of going out declined significantly from 19% to 6% between 1958 and 2008.
By contrast
Linking Words
,
portion
Add an article
a portion
the portion
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 of relaxing at home increased slightly by 5% ( from 8% to 13%).

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words percentage, time with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "percentage" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • work-life balance
  • technological advancements
  • leisure activities
  • household chores
  • gender roles
  • modern lifestyle
  • fast food trends
  • sleep patterns
  • health and well-being
  • societal impact
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